Reader’s Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now. He has a 13-year-old daughter. He only has her every other weekend at our place. But when she does come over it’s all about her.

My boyfriend affords his daughter total ‘her’ time (playing games, watching movies, going out to eat.) He won’t enforce any rules on her and lets her eat or drink whatever she wants. His reasoning about this is that he never gets to see her and therefore wants to spend only pure, quality time with her.

I feel like a horrible person because I can’t stand it anymore when his daughter comes over. I have nothing but animosity towards her and all the time they spend together. That’s because he pretty much worships the ground she walks on, whereas I just see a ‘guest’ that comes over every other weekend and controls my whole household.

Am I a horrible person? Should I be more accepting? Is my boyfriend’s behavior a sign that maybe we just won’t be happy together? We have two small children together (3 month old twins), but it isn’t changing the atmosphere when she is here. Every time I bring it up, he just gets defensive. When he even mentions her name (even when she isn’t over), I cringe. I think part of it has to do with animosity towards the fact that he has already been through this all before (having a child). And it’s not a new experience for him. I am not sure. I just feel like a bad person that I can’t accept her.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Although your boyfriend might cherish the precious time he has with his daughter, all children need acceptable limits and boundaries. So, if he is forsaking his parenting duties out of some unhealthy fear about impairing his relationship with his daughter, this could indeed prompt problems down the road. But you also acknowledge that you have some jealousy about this whole matter and as a result might not be able to objectively assess the reality of things.

It would probably be in your best interest to visit with a counselor or therapist who specializes in helping couples deal with the issues that naturally come along with a history of prior relationships. If there are indeed parenting issues that need addressing, now would be the time to explore them, especially inasmuch as you and your boyfriend have two children of your own to raise. And if the issue has more to do with jealousy and resentment, it’s also best to address that now.

Your boyfriend’s daughter will always have a relationship with him, and you will eventually have to define one of your own with her. It would be best to address the issues now to maximize the chances that you can find room in your heart not only to embrace your boyfriend and your mutual children but also those aspects of his life that are an inseparable part of him.