Reader’s Question

My fiancé and I have been together for about 10 years altogether. We’ve actually broken up a few times over the years, once for a significant amount of time (about two years). Most of the time, our breakups were over trivial matters. We were very young and would break up just because of an argument. Then, a few weeks or months later, we’d be back together.

In our later years together, we seemed to grow up and develop a more adult-like relationship. But I got bored and felt like we were an old married couple even though we were only in our early 20s. I still loved him, but I didn’t feel the same connection anymore. We argued all the time, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

During our time apart, I became very close to a guy friend. We pretty much spent all of our free time together. We were basically dating but I didn’t realize it at the time. I just knew that I liked being around him a lot. I loved everything about him. Then it just hit me one day that we were dating and I started to over-analyze the situation. I got concerned that he was too old for me (almost 10 years older), that because he’s career military he could be gone for long periods of time, that he’s from up north whereas I’m a southern girl, etc., and I freaked out.

During this time, my ex starting contacting me again. I don’t really know why, but I decided to meet up with him and all the old feelings came back. I realized I did miss him and still love him. So, I decided to talk to my friend to see how he felt about things. Apparently he WAS under the impression that we were dating and was furious that I was talking to my ex again. I had hurt him and felt horrible about it but didn’t really know how to handle it.

Anyway, I ended up back with my ex and things seem to be even better than before. My other friend and I didn’t talk for a few months, but we ended up making up. Now, we’re pretty close again and for some reason I cannot stop thinking about him and asking myself “What if?”.

I’m now engaged to my old boyfriend but cannot help but wonder if I’m making a mistake. I know that I love him, but it doesn’t seem normal to be practically obsessing about the “what ifs” with regard to my other friend. My friend knows that I’m engaged and says he’s happy for me. But he’s also admitted he’s saddened by the fact that he and I didn’t work out. Part of me thinks I just shouldn’t be friends with him anymore, but it kills me to think of my life without him. But it’s also not fair to my fiancé that I’m thinking about another guy like this.

I have no clue what to do.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your situation indeed appears complicated and of course there’s no way to render an accurate assessment of it from such a distance. But there are a few things that appear self-evident and abundantly clear.

You’ve had some deep ambivalences affecting your ability to form a lasting commitment. Some of those ambivalences you rightfully attribute to age and immaturity. But you also report continued difficulty making decisions and enforcing boundaries and limits even since you report having grown up and become more “adult-like” in your relationships.

Sometimes, things get overly complicated because — like kids in a candy store — we simply don’t want to place limits on ourselves. There is an old adage that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. But that doesn’t stop some of us from trying. You’ll have to search your heart pretty deeply and honestly as well as impose a good deal of discipline upon yourself if you’re going to make a long-term commitment work with either of these guys. And, you’ll likely profit from visiting with a counselor or therapist to help uncover the the underpinnings of the ambivalences you describe that have impaired your ability to maintain such a commitment to date.