Reader’s Question

I’m 22 years old and not very happy. My temperament is getting worse day by day. I find myself getting angrier and hating to have people around me.

I never really had to make friends because I always had my sister with me, and we have been very close. I shared everything with her. I love her a lot. But she got married recently, and now I’m all alone. I’m finding it hard to accept her being married. She is very happy with her new life, but I feel all alone and don’t get the same attention from her that I used to, and this bothers me a lot. My sister points out that I wouldn’t feel so alone if I would socialize, but this only makes me mad because being so close to her was why I never socialized in the first place. So, I now feel really lonely and cry a lot.

I have another, sadder reason for not making other friends. When I was a child I always saw my father dominating my mother and treating her very badly. My brother used to say that he hated his sisters. So, I started hating men, and my personality changed. I think like a male, and my personality is much more masculine. I hate acting like a girl. I always felt the urge to be dominant and show my dad and brother that I won’t come under someone else’s rule. But this ruined my life. It made me not want to mingle with other people and to feel very uncomfortable around them. Another problem is that I think about being married one day, but I just can’t behave like a girl or even think of a guy being my husband.

I feel so screwed up. Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You already seem to have a fair degree of insight into some of the underpinnings of your distress. There are some things you might want to consider.

Many factors contribute to shaping one’s personality and sense of personal identity. Most of the time, we arrive at a sense of who we are and how we’d like to relate to the world that is comfortable to us by the time we reach late adolescence. But sometimes, we can be unsettled about such matters and the process takes a bit longer. That’s when it’s a good idea to visit with a counselor or therapist with specialized training in personality formation and identity solidification issues. In addition, a stressful change in circumstances can create some adjustment difficulties, especially for someone already in turmoil about other issues.

Eventually, most of us arrive at a stable and acceptable sense of self. The important thing to remember is that even though you might feel a pressing urge to be different or even “better,” it’s important to acknowledge and embrace who and where you are at any point in time. Growth is the substance of life. If we’re not growing, we’re dying. But every journey toward growth begins with the step of self-acceptance.