Reader’s Question

My boyfriend does not talk about anything. He won’t talk about what happens at work, and he never talks about anything that happened in his childhood, or goings on within his family. He is actually a rather good listener, and he makes comments that fit in with what another person is saying. And, if you do not spend a lot of time with him, you would actually get the impression that he is a very communicative person. But his communication is mostly about listening and making small remarks of the kind likely to please the other person.

My boyfriend cannot recognize when other people are being rude and seems incapable of assessing their character. It’s like he sees himself and others at only a skin-deep level.

His two relationships before me broke up because the girls could not tolerate the fact that they were with a guy who would never talk about himself or his life. He does not have problem with expressing his positive emotions, but I have never heard him say or think anything bad about anyone. He has no problems with I love yous and compliments. He will do anything to avoid conflicts, including lying. If there is something to talk about, it has to come from me.

My boyfriend says nothing ever happened out of ordinary in his life, and he never had traumas of any kind. He is not close with his parents but kind of likes them. He is willing to change, but he does not know how. He’s tried to read books about knowing yourself and emotional intelligence because he has come to see his lack of communication as a problem because of his former relationships and now me. But although he reads the material and they are entertainment for him, he fails to see how the stories and theories in what he has read apply to himself or others in his life.

My boyfriend is very interested in video games and sci-fi movies, which is unusual because he is 31 years old.

Can this kind of person really change? I know he wants to, but I have my doubts. He is a nice guy, but I never know what is happening in his life or what’s going on in his head. I wish he would come through the door just once and tell me about his day at work or a story about something that happened to him. And I wish he would just for once show some emotions toward somebody or disagree and get into a debate, etc.

I sometimes wonder if he ever even thinks about anything important. He has dreams about us and our life together, but I am starting to have doubts if I can live with him for long without communication.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are so many possible explanations for the difficulties you’re describing that it’s truly impossible to say for sure what’s going on. Some individuals have a characteristic shyness, which research tells us is a rather stable, life-long trait. Others struggle with traits in their personality that lead them to be passive and to avoid conflict at all costs. Some individuals lack a certain level of social awareness and social interaction capability that arises primarily from a developmental disorder like Asperger’s Syndrome. And some individuals simply never learned good social communication skills.

Reading books on various related topics might be helpful to an extent, but it would seem advisable for you to urge your boyfriend to visit with a mental health professional trained to make a more comprehensive assessment. You can also be a valuable source of information to help ensure that an accurate and reliable assessment is made. You might also learn some things about the “goodness of fit” between your communication styles and his as well as your needs, desires, and personalities.