Reader’s Question

I love my husband, but I need to know how can I solve several issues regarding his behavior.

My husband gropes me all the time.

He bothers me about my past boyfriends.

We sleep on an infested (full of animal urine and feces) mattress that is 20 years old. I have severe back pain, but he says I am pretending because I want a new mattress.

He makes $61,000 a year yet complains that we do not save enough money. This is despite the fact that we live almost rent-free (we pay only $130 month to live in a spacious apartment in Manhattan in a good neighborhood).

Even though I only buy food that is on sale, and we don’t have to worry about buying certain foods like pasta, oatmeal, beans and cat food, albacore tuna fish, etc. for three to eight months of the year, he still complains that I spend too much.

We eat dinner at home every day, and I make him his lunch to take to work. We eat out only once a week and spend no more than $25. So, our monthly expenses are very low — but he says they are too high.

We drive a car that needs so much fixing that we could have an accident. But he does not want to spend the $600 to fix it.

What’s wrong with him?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Excessive frugality, miserliness, and constant concern over past relationships, personal appearance, etc. can all be signs of an obsessive-compulsive condition. Such tendencies can also be part of an individual’s personality style. Sometimes, these behaviors are troublesome to the person who is afflicted, in which case they are happy to seek professional help. But other times, especially when these tendencies are part of one’s personality style, the person afflicted is not bothered by the behaviors, whereas others affected by the behaviors are definitely perturbed.

As much as you want to “understand” your husband’s behavior, it’s probably in your better interest to set some firm limits on the types of behavior you’re willing to endure. Enforcing those limits as well as offering personal and professional support can make it possible for you to enjoy a greater degree of normalcy in your life.