Reader’s Question

I have been married for 10 years. I have known for some time that I was being mentally abused by my husband. It seemed like I was never doing anything right. He would always say you are not listening, you don’t understand, you did it, you take everyone else’s side. If I was busy and he was working on something he would yell and I was needed right then. He constantly talks in public, constantly putting everyone down, always has a nasty comment or a come back to them, constantly watching other women and never concerned about my feelings. He always answers a question with a question, and if something makes him mad and he isn’t with me he will call and start yelling at me. If I say anything he just says here we go again. When riding in a car and he gets mad, it is really bad: he takes it out on the other drivers (road rage), then turns it on me and dares me to speak. I have a son (who is his stepson), and he is constantly on his case, wanting him to do something, constantly putting him down. When I finally get mad and start yelling at him, he starts to cry and apologize. I never know when the aggressive behavior will start; it could be over a single word, or as a result of my simply dropping something.

We just found out a few days ago he has a Passive-Aggressive Behavior Disorder. But he isn’t going to do anything about it. I love my husband. Please tell me what I need to do in order to handle his behavior when it starts, or how to handle it in public.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

None of the behaviors you describe appears “passive” in any genuine sense of the word. But it’s not a surprise that your husband’s behavior has been labeled “passive-aggressive” — that’s one of the most commonly misused labels in all of mental health. Perhaps he’s not been given a formal diagnosis with the exact label you mention. But if he has, you might want to get some more specific information about just what the diagnosis means.

You might find of interest several articles I’ve posted on this site about commonly misused psychological terms such as passive-aggression (see, for example: “When Passive-Aggression Isn’t Very Passive“) as well as the series on manipulation tactics and tools of empowerment.

I’ve spent my entire career helping people understand the inherent manipulation and abuse involved in aggressive behavior carried out by covert means in relationships. My first book, In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], is regarded by many as the definitive handbook on understanding how people with a talent for cloaking their aggression can manipulate others into thinking everything is their fault.

People with covert-aggressive personalities can and do change, but only when the name of their game is correctly called and when they are held to account. In the meantime, those on the receiving end of manipulative behavior can learn how to respond to tactics and re-define the terms of engagement with their covertly aggressive partners, thereby ending the destructive cycle of mental and emotional abuse.