Reader’s Question

How do I manage my relationship with my mother? Recently we had another disagreement. I told my father about a health issue my mother was having (they are divorced) and he called to check on her. She became angry with me for telling him and asked me to give her house key back, or give it to the mother of my brother’s (who is in jail) child. This hurt me so much that I finally told her how tired I was of being treated so badly at every turn.

I had no intention of upsetting my mother by telling my father about her illness. Now, she will send emails giving me only a 5 minute window in which to call her. I email her back and explain that I don’t call because the doctor says she shouldn’t talk. She responds by telling me I don’t care for her and should simply lose her name and number. She corresponds with my mother-in-law acting as if there is nothing wrong between us. I have informed her of family events, but she refuses to acknowledge my efforts.

I have 3 young children who are asking why their grandma has seen their cousin but hasn’t even called them. It breaks my heart. How do you explain to your children that grandma is upset with mommy and so she won’t see them? I don’t even think she realizes her actions are affecting them too.

I wish I had a better relationship with my mother, but I don’t think it’s possible. Whenever she is upset she finds a way to make it my fault. She even blamed me for her divorce (I was 30 years old at the time) and for a gambling problem — my fault. She has also told me that she hated my father and I was exactly like him. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean to me.

I don’t know how to make things better, and I’m not even sure I want to make them better. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It takes two to make a relationship, but you have power only over your own actions. When you injure, even inadvertently, apologize and then let go. Behave with civility and respect, but take no responsibility for the response of others. You don’t have power over her responses to you. You’ll simply have to grieve that loss. If there’s any chance you and your mother will have the kind of relationship you desire, it certainly won’t be helped by you bearing hurt and resentment.

In short, treat your mother as you would want to be treated by her. Then, let the rest go.