How Can I Let Down My Guard and Trust Again?
Reader’s Question
I want to work on breaking down my emotional barriers. About eight years back, I was cheated on by my first love. He was my first boyfriend, and it took me quite some time to recover from the emotional wound he inflicted. I’ve had better long-term relationships since then, but I’ve built up emotional walls.
I am now in a new relationship with a guy whom I can trust. He is a gentle and most attentive person. But I realized right from the first that the feelings I have for my new boyfriend aren’t the same as I experienced before. I know I can trust him, but all the same, I can’t seem to break down my walls and really give away my heart. I want to know what I can do to help myself love with all my heart again.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
We know from abundant research that it’s virtually impossible to “unlearn” a response. And when something traumatizes us, it can leave a significant mark. So, it’s not surprising or uncommon that you are experiencing some level of guardedness as self-protection against possible heartbreak. Over time, however, especially if you give some deliberate attention to the fact that you want to trust and open yourself up again, you can lessen the degree of your apprehensiveness. If your present relationship is one of care and commitment, you should also experience regular demonstrations of fidelity and loyalty from your partner. You can also monitor your own thoughts and behavior for indications that you are letting your apprehensions cloud your better judgment. Eventually, you’ll find good reason to shed any unwarranted defensive armor.
You might also find it helpful to seek out a counselor with whom to share your fears and concerns. Together, you can devise strategies to help you spot and modify any anxiety-fueled behaviors that pose an obstacle to your enjoying the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted.
