Reader’s Question

I’m a 21-year-old college student studying music, and I’ve been dating a 34-year-old man in the process of divorce for a little over two months now. It was going quite nicely up until a few weeks ago when he decided he needed space and stopped talking to me.

We met online and started talking as friends. Once we talked on the phone we knew it would be more, as we could talk for hours! I like older men because they are mature, but he has always had a problem with my age. Also, he says he didn’t mean for us to become so serious. He wanted friendship first, as I found out later, because of his situation.

Ours has been a long-distance relationship (about one and a half to two hours), which is all I’ve ever known. I don’t drive, so it always makes it rough for the guy I’m dating because it’s always he who travels. Anyway, things were going great, and we fell hard and fast for each other and it seemed like a match made in heaven. But I found out that not only is he in the process of divorce but has two little girls. Still, I decided quickly that I wanted 100% to make it work, because I believed we were soul mates.

I also found out that the woman he is the process of divorcing (and that he says he should have divorced long ago) is a little crazy. She found out about me and threatened him with not being able to see his kids; she has done such things as woken him up with his own gun to his head. When he’s fallen asleep, she has taken his phone and tried to get information about me. He and I have taken precautions to not have my last name on anything on his iPhone so she doesn’t come stalking me (even though I’m a few hours away). Anyway, the stress of this has taken a toll on him, and on his wanting to have contact with me.

A few weeks ago he emailed, saying he needed space to figure things out with his kids. We met up maybe a week later to spend some time together. It seems we fight every weekend we see each other, and it is always about something I have done wrong. He thinks I have taken advantage of him, when I never, ever meant to do that, and he has been on the verge of breaking up over one thing or another. This always surprises me because it seems like I don’t get a second chance to make things right.

With no warning, he stopped talking to me. So I waited until I couldn’t take it anymore and texted him a few times a day telling him that I am worried. He finally called but once again started picking on me for some small things he didn’t like about me.

I am sick of feeling like I don’t have a boyfriend. I know he is NOT romantically involved with his wife and that SHE is the one who is not over him. I know the odds are against us because his crazy wife is a huge factor in his stress.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure how he feels anymore, even though we’re still a couple. Last night I started casually chatting with someone I started talking to online several months ago, and I feel better already — simply because he seems to appreciate me. Of course he can’t take the place of someone who knows me well and is in a relationship with me, but I feel that it’s not a good thing to be with someone who never talks to you and hasn’t said a pleasant thing about you for weeks.

I hope to get an outside impression of the situation.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your “soul mate” is still very much involved with the woman he married. He also tends to find fault with you when you are together. Yet, you describe your relationship as one “made in heaven” and blame almost all the negatives on the stress his “crazy” wife causes.

Perhaps the most troubling thing you mentioned is how much better you instantly felt simply chatting with a new acquaintance who “seemed” to appreciate you. This, along with all of the other things you mentioned suggest that you might be struggling with a fair degree of emotional dependency and a tendency to over-idealize (at least at first) men who appear mature and capable and who seem to appreciate you.

My best suggestion: cool your jets a bit and take more time in cultivating relationships. And a visit to a counselor couldn’t hurt either. You might want to explore whether an excessive need for approval might predispose you to entering relationships with a high potential for eventual failure and disappointment.