Reader’s Question

I really need some thoughts from an expert. I am a 27-year-old female and will be 28 soon. I got married in 2006. The initial days of my marriage were normal and full of marital bliss. Then, my husband had to move to other cities because of work transfers, and to kill the loneliness I felt, I started making friends, getting close to some people, and ending up in extramarital affairs.

I would initially get along with one partner, then break up with them and get into another one, and then break up again. This pattern has been going on for quite some time. Every time, it seems like I form an emotional and physical bond which makes it very difficult for me to break it up. Still, there’s too much of tears and heartbreaks in these relationships, so I break up with them because I can’t marry them.

Now it’s been close to two years since my husband and I have had any sex. And there is 0% physical attraction between us, even though he loves me and cares for me. I feel like I’m losing everything because I am being treated with care but am not love in anymore. The distance between us is increasing and so is my infidelity. I feel guilty about cheating on him, but at the same time I am not able to help it.

My in-laws and my husband now want me to give them a baby. We have tried sex for that, but he says he can’t an erection upon seeing me (although he gets a normal erection when he sees porn etc., and the doctors say he is fine). I am living in a purely materialistic and artificial relationship, and I hate cheating on my husband; I don’t want to continue this behavior after having a baby. I’m not happy with my marriage, and I don’t really want a baby.

My husband is a nice man. We have discussed my concerns, but in vain. I don’t know what to do. Should I divorce him and stay alone for awhile until or unless I find someone who brings stability to my life?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You say that your “pattern” of getting involved with others only to later break up with them is due to the fact that you “can’t” marry them, when actually, you have a choice about whether to remain married and to remain faithful. Not only do you report a very ambivalent pattern with respect to the other partners with whom you’ve been involved, but you report a similar pattern of ambivalence with respect to the relationship you have with your husband.

You might do well to focus less on the particulars of your circumstances and more on the emotional conflicts that might be raging inside of you. Some folks are emotionally starving for various reasons, and “lonely” a lot of the time, leading them to fill the void inside with intense but ill-fated emotional involvements. If this is the case for you, you would most likely benefit from visiting with a counselor or therapist and getting to the bottom of your emotional hunger. “Stability” in your life can’t come from an external source. Only when you’re in touch with and reconciled with your own emotional conflicts can a stable and fulfilling relationship become possible.