Reader’s Question

I am a 25-year-old male and have a 23-year-old girlfriend. We’ve been together now for the better half of a year and things are going very, very well except for one thing. I simply cannot stand my girlfriend’s best friend. Without going into too much detail, this girl hits my every nerve. It’s the same for all the individuals who come in contact with her. She operates on a childish, naive, and selfish level, and I can hardly bear to hear her speak. It has reached the point where I get upset if my girlfriend even talks to her or hangs out with her.

I know it’s incredibly wrong of me to feel so upset by this, and venting my frustration about it with my girlfriend only snowballs into an argument. It hurts me very much to hear my girlfriend cry, and I never like leaving a conversation on a bad note. I’m also never one to inhibit someone else from doing things they want to do, such as hanging out with someone, even if I disapprove of them. But this thing is tearing me apart from the inside. I am going against my own values because I dislike this girl so much. What makes matters worse is that a good and very close friend has been seeing her for several months. Within our core group of friends, we know this is just a temporary fling, but now I have to deal with her on two fronts.

I love my girlfriend very, very, much — but the thought of having this girl around us forever is actually terrifying. I try and look for answers through as much introspection as I can bear, but nothing concrete comes to mind. Am I jealous that this girl is so close to two people who are so close with me? Do I feel threatened on a subconscious level? Are my own insecurities and low self-esteem being taken out on this girl?

I am open to suggestions and opinions, and the austerity of this situation has made me quite desperate for answers and perhaps a solution.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When we have a strong and negative reaction to someone, it can sometimes be an indication that they are triggering an unresolved unconscious conflict within ourselves, and you appear to have some intuition about some possible underlying conflicts that might be triggering your intense reaction to your girlfriend’s best friend. It’s also not uncommon for a person who really touches a nerve in us to possess some of the personality characteristics that we dislike most in ourselves.

You indicate that you have already engaged in about as much introspection as you can bear. However, only you can uncover the most salient underlying feelings responsible for your intense response to this woman. Before you can have a truly constructive dialog with your girlfriend about the issues, you have to really know what’s going on inside you and what factors are fueling your passions. Take a step back and take some more time to search your feelings. It might take more effort and involve more discomfort than you care to “bear,” but it should prove quite profitable in the end.