Reader’s Question

I got an email from a female friend that is very difficult for me to understand. I have spoken to at least three people who knew her when we were at college and even before that. They all say it is unlike her to say what she said in the email.

She has never had a boyfriend, nor been in love before this guy, and she always used to be so loving and was very touchy and huggy with everyone. She was very Christian and now lives with this man in a foreign country, with no family or friends around her from her old life. I have tried to keep in touch with her, with not much in reply, except this email now. It has me completely puzzled, and I was wondering if you can decipher whether it is normal and whether I am just worrying too much for a friend who has moved away and dramatically changed at the age of 22.

In the email, she describes her work and her new life, indicating that all is well. Then she goes on to mention that I sometimes say things like “I love you” or “my love” to her, and she says “I have found my partner, the person that I want to be with always, and now I choose to save those sentiments for him. It would make me more comfortable if you did not say those things to me”.

[Editor's Note: The original email was also included in its entirety and was reviewed by the psychologist.]

What do you make of this?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While it’s impossible to know all of the pertinent details of the history of your relationship with this person, her email appears quite direct, to the point, and quite amiable and considerate. She makes the twofold points that you frequently say things indicating more than casual affection for her and that you appear uncomfortable with her apparent greater degree of “coldness” in her replies. She explains her desires for your continued relationship with her and her reasons for them. In short, the message appears both benign and clear. Perhaps there is a reason you haven’t yet reckoned with for why you’re not getting it.