Reader’s Question

I was attempting to set up a boundary with my mother the other day through neglect. I was away for a whole day without telling my mother where I was going and she went off on a tantrum. I got a few phone calls and texts that I purposely ignored.

Eventually, it followed with a threat that she will contact the police. My mother didn’t call the police; instead, she called my girlfriend’s mother and that conversation, unfortunately, was not a pleasant one. My girlfriend, her mother and I were all disrespected in one single conversation with my dear mother. My girlfriend, whom I would like to marry, is thinking she made a huge mistake with me.

I was trying to set up a boundary where I wouldn’t have to explain my every move out of the house, especially if I am just off to work and back.

When my mother suspects that I am with my girlfriend, the nagging gets extreme. This is a boundary that I would like to set because in addition to my mother keeping tabs, I also do not like to be “timed”. If I decide to stay out a little later than expected, I would like to be able to do so without my mother going crazy — like if I get home at 10:30 instead of 10:00. The time isn’t really an issue, but a list just for my mother of my daily duties does not seem necessary to me. Am I going overboard here?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Most adults do expect to be able to live life without reporting in, but parents and partners can create the very result that they fear — losing a loved one — by tightening control whenever they sense a threat.

For the person trying to get out from under all this control, the natural instinct is to tear yourself away all at once. This creates a tug of war: you pull, your mother pulls harder.

The basic rule of behavioral psychology is that any behavior which is reinforced (rewarded) will be repeated. This means that any change involves two parts: (1) stopping reinforcing the behavior you don’t want, and (2) being sure to reinforce a substitute behavior that you do want. Behavior change is easier when you work in small increments. Rather than attempting to ignore her for a whole day, you might get better results if you break it down. Start with how often she normally gets contact with you and stretch it out just a few minutes at a time. Best to call her back during a lull, because then you are not only not reinforcing a flurry of calls, you are also reinforcing her for giving you some space. When you do call back, you can add a verbal reinforcement such as, “Thank you for giving me some time this morning. I had a lot of work to do and that was very helpful.”

While you are working on establishing and maintaining new boundaries, it can help to address your mother’s fears directly. Make her, not your activities, the focus of your return calls. You can reassure her in words and actions that she is not going to lose you to your girlfriend. If your girlfriend knows that you are actively addressing this problem, she may be less inclined to feel she has made a mistake with you. She may also be less inclined to get into her own tug of war with your mother, with you as the rope.

When you first change anything in any relationship, the other person’s natural response is to do more, not less, to try to pull relations between you back to the way they were. This feels as if what you are doing is not working, but if you stick to your plan, the behavior will eventually disappear. Toward the end of the change process, the unwanted behavior will spike again. This also is normal and expectable, and if you stick to your plan, it will drop off altogether.