Reader’s Question

I am 26 years old, and I am dating a man who is 30. We don’t live in the same country, but I visit him and he comes to visit me every other weekend.

When we first started dating, I was undergoing a depression caused by many things, such as failure at school, breakups, etc. He was a great help, and largely pulled me out of it. We then fell madly in love. He even started talking about moving in together and getting married. Then, something changed. He suddenly became distant, and he became mean and aggressive. I know that in his job, (he is a trader) he has very long hours, and a lot of stress. I tried talking to him about it, but at first he denied there was anything wrong. I insisted, and even let him know it was okay to tell me if his feelings had changed, just so long as he was honest with me. He assured me that his feelings are still the same.

Yesterday, as I was picking him up from the airport, he was quite distant, and he didn’t say a word in the car. At night, I reopened the subject, which obviously bothered him. His answer was: “I don’t think my feelings have changed, I am just very tired, and really stressed out; I don’t like my job or the country I am in, I feel like changing, I’ve become distant from all my friends, I’ve just had it, and it doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

I know that 8 months is not a very long period of time. And even though my boyfriend has said otherwise, I still believe there’s a possibility he doesn’t really love me anymore and he just won’t admit it. I am someone who values honesty. I just need to know what’s going on because I truly care about him.

Is it possible that my depression has “rubbed off” on him? Does that happen? Is it true what they say about people working in the finance/trading business — that they’re always on their Blackberries and that that can cause depression? What would be the solution? How can I suggest this “depression” possibility to him?

Please let me know what you think. I’m desperate for help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Like many others in a troubled relationship, you’re trying so hard to “understand” the underlying reasons for your boyfriend’s behavior that you might inadvertently be “enabling” it. What’s more, you don’t trust your intuition that he’s not being completely honest with you.

Your sole responsibility is to care for yourself and to set reasonable expectations about how you want to be treated. There are many possible reasons why your boyfriend has been cold, “mean,” and “aggressive,” not all of which might stem from depression. And besides, how he treats you is what’s really important, regardless of the reasons. Even more important to remember is that it’s his responsibility to address any issues affecting his behavior. If his feelings for you have changed, it’s his duty to say so. If he’s changed his usual demeanor and behavior because of an illness, it’s his responsibility to seek help and remedy the situation.

Many times, people get and stay depressed because they invest emotional energy in something they can’t control. I have written extensively about this in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] and in several blog posts. You would do yourself no service at all to make that mistake by investing yourself too much in something only your boyfriend has the power to change.

My best suggestion: set some reasonable expectations and limits with regard to this relationship and stand by them. The rest is up to your friend.