Becoming Less Critical and More Joyful
Reader’s Question
I just got married to a great guy. He loves me a lot, always tells me so, and shows me how much he loves me. He is extremely smart. However, in my opinion, he has chosen to live a subpar lifestyle. There are other things that I want to change about him, too, but in my head I know I probably would not find the guy I fell in love with if I actually changed him.
I am starting to see that I am super critical of my husband, as I am about myself and life in general. I’m also pretty somber most of the time when I’m alone. When left to my own devices, I am never joyous, yet no one would ever say I seem unhappy. I also have had an anger problem ever since being laid off from my dream job three years ago.
My question is: how can I change my critical nature and accept things as they are instead of how I want them to be?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Your complaint raises two distinct but very different possibilities. One possibility is that a “critical nature” is part of your personality structure. If that is the case, you might never lose the trait, and modifying your overall personality style might pose a considerable challenge. Nevertheless, it can be done. There are some very useful therapies available these days that can help you re-frame your perceptions about circumstances and modify the kind of thoughts (including negative and “critical” ones) that bother you.
The other possibility, however, is that the anger you’ve been experiencing, along with some irritability or “critical” behavior, as you put it, could be signs of a low-level depression called dysthymia, which is often a chronic condition. Folks who are chronically dysthymic might not appear all that depressed to their friends and relatives, but they also might not experience much joy in their lives, either.
Regardless of whether you’re dealing with a personality issue or a low-level mood disturbance, it is probably a good idea to discuss matters with a mental health professional and get a thorough assessment.
