Reader’s Question

When I was a child, I had a difficult relationship with my mother. I am slowly coming to realize that I re-enact aspects of that relationship unintentionally in my other relationships. I now realize the problems I had with my mother affect almost every area of my life.

Between the ages of 5 and 10, I lived with my mother and we argued a lot. She would criticize me frequently and shout at me. Almost the only thing I can remember is her telling me I “always ruin everything.” I know she said many other hurtful things, but I seem to have blocked them out of my memory.

I feel those many critical words damaged me. I know my mother suffered from depression and had other issues of her own. When I was 10, she decided she “couldn’t cope” anymore, and I went to live with my father. It was a relief and an escape for me. I think I was a fairly obedient and meek child with most people, although maybe I learned to fight back too much with my mother. I think the problem was more with her than with me.

The problem is now I seem to be always fighting emotionally. I think that because I once had a valid need to defend myself emotionally from my mother, my brain is still stuck in a defensive (or agressive) mode. Even if no one is really attacking me, I pick fights and over-react to small things, imagining rejection that isn’t there, especially with my boyfriend. With the majority of people I am shy and passive, but this side comes out with people who get close to me, such as in romantic relationships.

I can’t seem to stop putting people in my mother’s place. However, I can also switch into my mother’s role, and be overly-critical and hostile, like she was. My argumentativeness is destroying relationships. I hate my behaviour. I even daydream about potential arguments and daydream things I can become “righteously” angry about. I think the anger is really there to cover up my vulnerability and because it’s the only defense mechanism I learned for when I feel rejected.

Even though I know all this, as I suspect rejection, I lose control. How can I escape this cycle? I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t know how to deal with the past, especially since I don’t remember much. Is it necessary to work on the past though, or can I simply work on changing who I am today, irrespective of the past? Counselling isn’t an option as I currently live in a country where I don’t speak the language. I would like to know how to deal with it by myself.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You certainly appear already to have a great deal of insight into your problems. Traditional insight-oriented psychotherapy, especially of a variety that might focus on your past, is unlikely to be all that helpful to you. But there are therapies, like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), that don’t pay much attention to the past and focus instead on breaking self-defeating vicious cycles of behavior. The main techniques involved in CBT involve learning to spot the very early “antecedents” of a behavior chain (the very first events in a series of events that “trigger” the maladaptive behavior you want to correct), examining the verbal dialog you conduct in your head as you interpret the meanings of these events, and changing the nature of that dialog from one of suspiciousness and anticipation of rejection to one of more trust, positive self-regard, and acceptance. You can also take a look at some of the “payoffs” or reinforcement you get from doing things the way you have always done them and make sure that you reinforce yourself not for doing those same old things but for trying out new, alternative behaviors. You’re much more likely to continue the hard work of changing those self-destructive patterns when you experience reward for engaging in more adaptive behaviors.

Well, it’s that simple — just not easy! But with time, practice, persistence, and lot’s of self-pats-on-the-back for breaking any part of the old cycle, you can turn things around.