What Does He Want From Me in this Relationship?

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Reader’s Question

This summer, I had a boyfriend. We loved each other very much, but before we created our relationship we had a talk about our past life and he was interested in knowing whether I have been in love before. I asked him the same question, and he said that he had a previous lover, but no longer. We continued contacting each other, and one day I saw messages from the other girl. I called and asked him about it, and he said that he didn’t want to lie and that he still loved her. At the time, I thought that he did it especially to make me jealous. But after this discussion, we didn’t see each other for about a month — no calls even. Then I called him, and he was nice and told me he was confused; he said he didn’t know what he wanted and needed time to understand. Two months later, we had had a very serious discussion about that girl because I saw photos of her in his phone. Again he said he still loved her and was confused. I listened to him and understood that everything was over. He offered to continue the relationship until he could understand whether he wanted me or her, but I said no. Now he still sends me messages and asks me to be nice and to contact him. What does he want from me?

Please help me to understand. I love him and want to make a family with him…

Psychologist’s Reply

You sound like a sweet young woman who is ready for a family, has been charmed by a man and feels deeply in love. Believe me when I say, I believe that you are sincere. If you could read the first chapter of my book Of Sound Mind to Marry called ‘the altered state of being in love’, you would see that there is no more powerful drug in the world than love. When we’re in love, our nervous systems light up like Christmas trees, and our sense of reason is held hostage by our urge to merge. It is very hard to help someone in this altered, anxious, blissful state. If you wish to be Of Sound Mind while you are in love, then you have to be ready to hear things you may not want to hear. You have to be willing to lose things you do not wish to lose. If, after all that, love stays with you then it is a love you can trust. If not, you may have to consider that you have been played.

Your relationship has been very short, yet it is already marked with conflict. In two short months, you are ready to have a family with this man. Let me ask you: if he behaved this way after you had children, how would you feel? What kind of a model would that be for your children? What kind of a model are you for your children? Making a family means much more than just getting pregnant. I’m sure you two would make a beautiful baby together, but who is going to parent her? Do you think that you two could answer those questions after knowing each other for two months?

I urge you to consider that the first six months of a relationship should just be fun. Just enjoy yourself and be friends with your lover. After that time, if you still have a spark, then you can have a conversation. With this man, you may need to acknowledge that your goals and his are not the same.

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