Reader’s Question

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and he is perfect for me in every way. There is only one problem for me, and that is his ex, whom he dated for five years. They are no longer friends, however she is still very close to all of his friends and even some of his family, so I see her quite often and hear about her often from his friends. I find myself feeling very uncomfortable and self-conscious around her, and I feel very jealous of her. I feel like I will never be as close to his friends as she is, and I am always comparing myself to her and feeling bad about myself because I just can’t seem to get over these feelings. I also hate being reminded of their past because it hurts me to think about my boyfriend with anyone else. It seems to be getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do. I have been considering trying to not attend the same events as her anymore, but I don’t want my boyfriend and I to lose all of those friendships over my own insecurities. Any help on how to overcome this would be appreciated.

– KAD

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I respect you for taking ownership of this problem. I see that it is a real problem for you and could threaten your relationship. Since she does not seem to be interfering with your relationship, nor does your boyfriend make inappropriate gestures towards her, the problem seems to be limited to your own feelings and perception. So let’s do a reality check.

“I feel like I will never be as close to his friends as she is.” This is true. You will be as close to his friends as you determine to be. You will have a unique relationships with each of his friends and to the group as a whole. It will not be like her relationship with them. You are your own person and forge relationships on your own terms. Your boyfriend seems to love you for that. You may want to be patient with this one, since she has had a much longer relationship with them than you.

“I also hate being reminded of their past because it hurts me to think about my boyfriend with anyone else.” This is something you need to come to terms with because the fact is that your boyfriend has been with someone else before you. That is just the way it is. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to accept it — or leave.

I believe that our problems and pain deserve respect and time. In general, we tend not to really think our problems through, or really give our pain the attention it deserves. If these issues are important to you, then find someone outside of your circle of friends to talk to about them in confidence. Find a therapist who can help you understand this insecurity, it’s roots, and it’s resolution. You may wish to tell your boyfriend that you are seeking counseling to deal with the challenges of being in a relationship, but the issues you are having are not with him per se. They are your issues that relate to being a girlfriend. You do not need to tell him more than that. The therapist, of course, will not say anything to anyone. Your conversation will be completely private.