Reader’s Question

My mom is dying of cancer…please help me cope.

I’m 23, and my mom (now 50) was diagnosed with breast cancer 12 years ago and had one breast partially removed.

She has since had breast cancer again, with it moving onto her lymph nodes and other parts of per body. She has not been responding to the treatment that she was given and has to have chemo again, but the doctor has said that this is really the only chemo she hasn’t had, and we are not even sure it will work.

She has been so strong for so long, but now she can hardly be out of bed. She has trouble eating and eating much makes her feel sick. I am just not coping well with watching her suffer every day.

I am also sad and scared that I will not get to have her at my wedding, or when I have a baby, and I know these may be selfish thoughts, but I love her so much I don’t want to let her go. I’m not ready. I find it hard as I don’t want to talk to her about it and upset her, and my dad and brother don’t really talk about it, although I know it’s hurting them and I’m not sure how well they are coping; I can’t seem to get them to open up. I’m worried that when she is gone we will all drift apart because no one can talk about it.

I just don’t know how to cope, how to help her, what to do…I’m feeling a bit lost and very upset and was wondering if anyone could help me or had any advice.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your grief is heart-wrenching. As one who recently lost my mother, you have all my sympathy and understanding. While it may not be a comfort to you, I’m certain that your mother would find it comforting to know what a deeply feeling and caring daughter she has raised. She may not wish pain for you, but she would be gratified to know how much love she has engendered, and how much she means to you.

Although your family isn’t talking about her death, I’d be surprised if everyone wasn’t thinking about it. It may be difficult to broach the subject, but I’m going to venture that it would be a relief for all to break the silence. If you feel up to it, try to broach the subject with your mother first. She may have ideas about how she wants to fight this latest fight with cancer. She may have ideas about how she wants to die, and how she wants to be remembered. Contrary to common belief, it does not make death harder to talk about it openly. Death does not gain potency by being named. Talking about it gives your mother another chance to parent you and model how to die well and in control. Not talking about it cheats you out of this last chance to be together.

I appreciate that doing this may be harder for you than for your mother. To help you do this, you could consider contacting the local hospice organization and getting their support. They can help with more than just advice. They can assist with end-of-life care and advocacy. They can help keep your mother comfortable. They can help bring the rest of the family into the fold. In the future, you may need them more than you do now. It’s important to make contact with them now so you have a specific person you can contact later at need.

When you do talk to your mom, at some point ask her what she would like her legacy to be. Tell her that you wish that your child could know her. Ask her if she would record a video for your child, perhaps reading a bedtime story. Ask her for that recipe that she’s kept secret all these years. Remind her of the things that made you laugh with her through the years. Remember, she is not yet dead. Try to make these last days a celebration of her life. When she does pass, maybe she can be remembered for celebrating life and enriching life for those whom she loved. If you can keep that in your heart of hearts, then she really will live on in you. Truly feeling her influence inside you will not only mark your success in grieving, it will also be a living legacy that you can proudly share in your own time.