My Boyfriend May Have a Mental Illness — I Need to Consider My Child’s Safety

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Reader’s Question

My boyfriend is 32 years old and I have known him for one year. I suspect that he may have a mental illness, however he completely refuses to check with a medical professional or even consider that he may have a problem. We have been thinking of a future together, but I’m worried since I have a small child, and I need to consider the safety of my child before taking our relationship to the next step.

I’ll tell you about him briefly. If you talked to him you wouldn’t notice anything abnormal. He is an emotionally sensitive and warm person, he is intelligent, and there is no abnormality in his usual way of communicating. At times he can seem depressive or over-sensitive, but I have accepted this as just part of him.

The problem is that when I suggested recently that maybe he should see a therapist to deal with his depression (which at that time I assumed he might have), he told me something he says he hasn’t told anyone before, apart from his family. He believes there is some evil energy controlling his emotions and his life — although they are not voices, it is like they control him, and he says he can feel pins and needles in his body, mainly in the brain. He also says it’s like a sexual harassment where he can feel something touching him. He strongly believes it’s an evil spirit or ghost or evil energy. He says they sometimes try to force him to act in harmful ways but he ignores their messages and tries to live his life in a calm way. This is what worries me most, because of my child.

He said that when he was 18 he had a one-hour assessment with a psychologist, who said he had schizophrenia. But he didn’t believe it and never went there again. Please, from all that I say, does it sound to you as if it could be schizophrenia? To me, it does not. However, I’m sure he has delusions or hallucinations, so I wondered whether it could be a delusional or schizoid disorder and if so, whether it’s dangerous.

Psychologist’s Reply

I wonder whether he would be amenable to talking to someone outside of the mental health field such as a priest or complementary medical person about his demons. If someone could speak with him in the metaphor of his choice, you could learn a lot about him, his safety, and his treatment options. It won’t help to force him to go somewhere he’s already decided not to go. If he went with you once or twice, it’s not likely that he would continue with his sessions. The best bet is to try to recruit him into his own treatment plan, whatever that may be.

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Perhaps you two attend a church or a temple, or there may be someone else he respects whom you could approach with this. If so, then that might be a soft way to open the discussion. Of course, you’re interested in his welfare. But your concern for your child needs to be paramount.

What I hear you saying is that he hears commands that he has thus far been able to ignore or control. The fear is that he might lose control over the command ‘voices’ and act on their instructions. You have a valid reason for concern.

Perhaps the best measure of his safety is 1) his willingness to accept your assessment that he has an abnormality and someone could help him, and 2) his willingness to get help — for his benefit as well as yours and the child’s. If he is willing to get help, then it sounds worthwhile to support him while he tries. We all have trouble from time to time and hope our loved one hangs in there with us while we work it out. If he is not willing to seek help or even explore the demons, then you may be pushed into making a decision to protect your own best interest. To stay would mean to accept the risk along with all the unknowns. To leave would mean to give up all the benefits of being together. Either way, the decision is yours and yours alone. How you make it, how you demonstrate that you make your choice based on what’s best for you, could be a model for him to take better care of himself.

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