Reader’s Question

I have two younger brothers (5 and 8), and we lost our grandmother last April.

They never asked any questions except to ask if she was in heaven.

Neither of them cried over the loss, even though the three of us were extremely close to her. They saw me and my mom crying. Why weren’t they affected?

Sometimes I ask the younger one who he saw a particular movie with or even who bought him one of his toys, he will hesitate to answer because he knows it’s our grandmother, then brush it off, saying our parents took him or bought him that. Why does he do this? Why won’t they talk?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I am sorry that you lost your grandmother. Losing a close family member is one of the hardest things a child can experience. You cried and grieved openly when she died, which is understandable and can be quite healing. I can understand why you might wonder about why your brothers did not seem to do that.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s (AACAP) fact sheet about children and grief provides some information about what can be expected from young children in regard to death and grief. For example, children may react differently to loss than adults. First of all, many children — especially younger children — do not understand the finality of death, and may believe that the person will come back in some way. This may be due in part to cartoon characters on shows who appear to be hurt or die and then come back. Children may continue to believe that the person is still alive for some weeks after the death. Once the child accepts the death, they may display sadness in an on-and-off again sort of way at unexpected moments, or they may ask questions, as your brothers did once. They may be more irritable, they may seek more attention, or they may begin to (temporarily) act younger than their age. Anger is a common reaction for children following the death of someone they loved. Anger could be expressed in the form of rambunctious playing, having nightmares, being more irritable, or even acting angry towards other family members. These are all very normal ways that children demonstrate that they are feeling the loss of someone close to them.

Linda Goldman, author of Life and Loss: A Guide To Help Grieving Children, suggests that children may need help understanding that the loss is real, feeling the pain or hurt of the loss, and learning to live life without the person. How can you help your brothers do that? You mentioned that your brothers are reluctant to mention your grandmother when you prompt them to do so. According to The Dougy Center’s suggestions about how to help a grieving child, it can be helpful for children if others around them mention and remember the person who died. By doing this, you teach them that it is OK for them to talk about your grandmother as well. For example, you might make a statement about the toy your grandmother got them, rather than asking them who got that for them. You could also share your own memories and stories about grandmother, including some that your brothers may remember as well.

In addition, children need someone to listen and reflect back to them the thoughts and feelings they are having about death, when and if they express them. For example, if your brother were to say, “I am angry that Grandma left,” you might be tempted to say something along the lines of, “you should not be angry with Grandma; it wasn’t her fault.” But what children need in those moments of expression are adults and older children who can hear their feelings and accept them. For example, a simple restatement of feelings (e.g. “I know you feel really mad that Grandma is gone”) can help children process and move forward with grieving.

So, how would you know if your brothers really were having trouble accepting and mourning the loss of your grandmother? According to the AACAP, the following are warning signs that a child may need extra help in coping with a loss:

• an extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events
• inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
• acting much younger for an extended period
• excessively imitating the dead person
• repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
• withdrawal from friends, or
• sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school

If you are seeing these or other behaviors that concern you, my hope is that you have an adult with whom you can discuss your worries.

I did not hear much about how you are doing following the death of your grandmother. Ultimately, you and your brothers are going to grieve in your own unique ways. I hope that you too are able to find ways to cope with your own sadness and grief. You seem to be a concerned and loving older sister who wants your little brothers to be OK. They are lucky to have you.