I Can’t Decide Between Boyfriends

Reader’s Question

My name is Olga and I am (late twenties) years old and I live in Western Europe. I grew up in a family where my father is an alcoholic. My parents never took divorce but they were always separated. My father lives with my mother in the same house but they don’t speak at all. This situation was always the same. He used to hit her a lot and my brother as well. At first we didn’t have furniture in the house and my mother was sleeping on the floor. Now after my aunt moved into a different house she gave us a sofa so my mother sleeps there. I have also a brother who works in the Navy so he travels most of the year. In the past I experienced anxiety disorder, panic attacks and severe cancerphobia. When I was 18 I met a guy and stayed with him for 4 years. Then I met Peter and we have been together for 7 years. We live in the same house. He is 41 years old now. Our relationship was very difficult in the beginning since he had just separated from his wife. He treated me very badly. He insulted me a lot, he hit me a couple of times, he was very high tempered, he cursed, he had drinking and drug problems, etc. Our sex life was very intense. As the years went by and the passion started to fade I couldn’t tolerate some things like the fact that he didn’t like to go out. He always wanted to stay inside and have friends over. I on the other hand always wanted to go outside to bars or restaurants, etc. I also liked to travel a lot but we only traveled during our summer holidays even though we could travel a lot more. He also didn’t help me in the house. He used to come from work at 3.30 in the afternoon and I returned at 8.00 in the afternoon and he didn’t even wash a glass. I was so tired. In the weekend which were my two days of rest I cleaned the house and he was watching TV. And then in the evening I wanted to go out so much, but we never did anything. His friend were coming and that’s it. Our sex life disappeared. We did it once a month and I didn’t like it at all. He didn’t do anything to arouse me.

Then one day (two months ago) I met someone else. I didn’t plan it, it just happened. He was the most remarkable person I have ever met. He treated me like I was the most special woman in the world. I broke up with Peter and decided to start all over with John. My relationship with John was so great. Our sex life was amazing. I never knew that I could enjoy making love and not have brutal sex. He treated me with so much respect. But Peter was so sad without me, he was calling me every day crying and begging. He said that he will change. He even said to me that if I don’t go back he will die eventually. So I ended with John (I asked him to give me some time) and went back to Peter. He changed a lot. He does all the things I wanted him to do. But I don’t want to have sex with him. I miss John a lot. He was my big oppurtunity for something better but I left it because…I don’t know why. All my other boyfriends were abusive, alcoholics, brutal, masculine and very handsome. He is different. I am not so attractive to him even though we click sexually. He is tender, loving… I don’t really know what to do. I love Peter. He is my entire life and I know he loves me too very much, but I know guys like John don’t come along very often. Sometimes I think that I am addicted to Peter. What should I do? I know John still waits for me but he will not do it forever. Please any advice would be enormously appreciated. Thank you very much in advance.

Psychologist’s Reply

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When our childhood contains alcoholism, neglect, poverty, abuse, parents who dislike each other, etc. — we develop a high tolerance for substandard and abusive situations. You moved from your home into a similar situation with Peter. Peter, if you think about it, is probably just like your father — he acts in a way that is familiar to you. With your background, a kind, loving person like John will actually seem strange to you.

When you met John, Peter brought you back to himself, not through love but by using guilt, threats, and promises. Peter will soon return to his old ways, at his age it’s a personality…but only after John is gone. You may not love Peter…you may have a form of Stockholm Syndrome where we feel attached to someone who holds us an emotional or physical hostage. I’d recommend reading my article on Stockholm Syndrome on this website.

You need to decide how you’re going to live. John may be a chance for a different kind of life — free of abuse, insults, etc. As a psychologist, I understand statistics. As you said, guys like John don’t come along very often. However, you’ll always be able to find someone to abuse, neglect, devalue, and mistreat you. There a lots of Peters in your community, and in every community for that matter. Move toward what makes you feel healthy.

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