Flings: How Can I Stop Having Them?

Reader’s Question

I’m a 49-year-old male, and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 18 months. My new girlfriend is absolutely excellent, and I feel I’m fortunate, but our sex life lacks something; however, recently I had a brief fling with my ex-girlfriend (with intense sexual pleasure). I am really upset about my inappropriate behavior…it was as though I could not use my frontal lobes, something took over. Now I’m feeling like a jerk. My new girlfriend knows, because I was avoiding her, and obviously she is backing off. I have broken the vessel we shared. Is there any way to prevent myself from being possessed by this other woman? I know I can’t tolerate her competitive friction for very long. I guess I’m wondering about various approaches, like therapies, medicines, 12 step programs, or seclusion. Thanks for any sound advice. I’ve spoiled things. I’m in the dog house and I feel pretty rotten.

–Fred L.

Psychologist’s Reply

Ex-lovers are often tempting due to our emotional memories with them, many of which are sexual in nature. Over 2000 years ago Homer wrote of the adventures of Ulysses who was forced to sail near an island inhabited by Sirens — women who sang so beautifully and seductively that sailors were drawn toward the shores and into the reef — to their death. Ex-lovers often become male and female Sirens, tempting and drawing us toward destructive acts. Like the Sirens, many ex-lovers do this intentionally, sometimes to destroy or ruin our current relationship. Sometimes for revenge or control. They intrude, have the fling, then move off when the new relationship is destroyed.

Like Ulysses, we need to protect ourselves from the urge to swim to the shore or become involved/tempted. Various strategies can be employed. First, folks tempted by alcohol don’t focus on “drinking stories” to stay sober, but rather the damage alcohol has done. When confronted by the sexual/emotional memories of this Siren, purposely remember the destruction and difficulties caused by the fling. Second, avoid opportunities for misbehavior. While we may meet ex-lovers at the grocery, we agree on further meetings for the fling. Never agree to a follow-up meeting or contact. Lastly, we need to remember that current partners have a right to protect themselves from disloyal behavior and for this reason, unless we control our urges, we will have a fling and nothing else. The ex-lover who participates has no regard for what problems and emotional hurt the fling will produce in you or your current partner.

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