He’s Sober, But Now He’s Moody

Reader’s Question

I have been in a relationship with the same man for about 8 years and now we have a daughter. He recently stopped drinking, and lately it seems that everything I say or do to him is wrong. He doesn’t discuss financial decisions or plans with me, but I am expected to pitch in for it, and when I try to discuss it he gets angry. I recently bought my daughter a power wheel, and he told me that I should let his nieces use it because our daughter wasn’t big enough for it; when I had told him no, I was under the impression that he meant give it to them. Well, he became angry and called me selfish. He then told my daughter, I hope you don’t grow up to be like that. I was really hurt and offended, and when I went to confront him, he said again that I was selfish and that I was dumb for thinking he would give it to them. Since then I feel like every move I make is a wrong one. I don’t know what to do. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Please help!

Psychologist’s Reply

When you mention that he recently stopped drinking, it sounds like that was not only a significant event but that drinking had been a major issue in his life…and that of the family. His anger and behavior may be produced by several factors, most of which are not related to you. For example:

  • While he may have stopped drinking, he has not found a substitute for the escape it provided. His tension, resentment, etc. are building to the point of producing verbal outbursts. It’s helpful from his standpoint to develop some stress-reducing activities such as exercise, hobbies, etc.
  • While he has stopped drinking, he’s not away from alcohol. His brain retains a lot of drinking-related issues and he may require many months before he can completely transition to sobriety. His drinking became a lifestyle…and we don’t change our lifestyle overnight.
  • You might ask yourself — is this new behavior or a form of the personality or behavior he has always exhibited? If his moodiness and nasty comments are new — it may be a depressive disorder. It’s not uncommon for depression to surface following a change in lifestyle or withdrawal from alcohol. If he’s always been this way, but now it’s worse, it’s likely to be his personality that’s now exaggerated by the stress of his new lifestyle.
  • Clearly, he’s having difficulty making his adjustment to sobriety. He’s irritable and grouchy. He’s also carrying a lot of internal pressure and tension and when that happens, he’s likely to act like a pressure cooker — blasting with the slightest touch (or comment, situation, etc.). All members of the family will feel they are “walking on eggshells” in this situation.
  • Try not to take his behavior personally. His nasty comments are designed to keep you at a distance or to keep confrontations and discussions very brief. Those comments are “conversation killers” like when correcting your child and they suddenly say “I wish I was an orphan!” That usually redirects the discussion.
  • You mention he “recently” stopped drinking. For him this may be a major accomplishment. Focus on how he’s different in a better way. Imagine watching a video of your interactions with him. What percentage of your comments are responsibility-loaded, neutral, or supportive? If most are about responsibilities or issues, he may be feeling unsupported or underappreciated.
  • If he’s stopped drinking with the support of a program such as AA, ask him to discuss his moods with his group/sponser. His situation is not uncommon. Keep in mind when one family member changes their lifestyle — the entire family must change in some manner as well.

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