Should I Contact an Abuser’s New Victim?

Reader’s Question

Why am I so concerned with the fact that my ex husband is dating a divorced mother of two children? He was abusive to me and my two children, but not with the child he and I had together. I feel sorry for this new woman. I want to contact her to say stay away from him!!! I know what he is capable of doing and how he will do it to hurt her too!! I was his second marriage. He is a police officer. He played mind games, was manipulative, controlling, self-centered. He filed for divorce, trying to make me look like an unfit mother. In the end, he doesn’t pay for child support. He still has our child sleep with him every night. He was obsessed with Playboy. Need I say more? Yes, I have resentment. He is a creep!! I got severely depressed in the relationship. I had anxiety, and developed anger. I went to counseling and learned I had boundary issues. I can’t approach this new woman for fear he will make my life worse, as he has already threatened to send the tapes to all my friends in which he had recorded me in the house yelling at the kids. I have been threatened by him on multiple occasions. He is a cheat!! He uses his authority at home. He recently tried to get a nanny who was only twenty one years old. He is forty four. His past precedes him, and I know I am not psychotic; I have talked with a couple of the girls he dated prior to our relationship and they have the same things to say. None good. So, my question is, should I say something to this new girl or let her figure it out on her own? I read about the Stockholm syndrome. It reminds me of living with him!!!!

Psychologist’s Reply

I’d first read my article on Identifying Losers on this website. It outlines the techniques Losers, Abusers, and Controllers use to destroy your self-esteem and self-confidence. I’d then read the discussion groups on this website that address both Losers and Stockholm Syndrome. You’ll find you’re not alone in your situation.

Contacting the new woman…victim, should we say…is probably a bad idea for a lot of reasons. Antisocial and Narcissistic Personalities (“Creeps” in lay terms) react very aggressively if not violently when threatened in any manner. They don’t want any interference with their current “con” or manipulation. He would clearly retaliate against you and your children — even more than he has already attempted.

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You must also recognize that he has prepared the new victim for your call — just in case. Losers often depict their previous partners as psychotic, abusive, and hateful individuals who would do anything to destroy his wonderful new life. If you call to warn her, he will only tell her “I told you how she was…” It’s a no win situation. Would you have believed a similar call after dating him a few months?

Relationships with Abusers and Controllers are often very damaging. When the Loser finally leaves, the victim is left emotionally exhausted and depressed. I’d recommend mental health counseling/consultation, focusing on depression and resentment. You have won…because you have survived and withdrawn your children from an abusive environment. However, you are still connected to “Creep” due to the child. Each contact will produce “Emotional Memory” — making you relive the abusive feelings and memories. I’d read my article on Emotional Memory to help manage those memories.

The ex is still a danger to you and your children. Sharing a child, you will need to keep a controlled distance and keep all contacts strictly business. Your counselor may be of help in this area.

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