Dinner With His Ex. Should I Worry?

Reader’s Question

Hi — My boyfriend has 2 kids by 2 different moms. We have been together for 2.5 years and are talking about getting married. The other day we were taking his oldest son, 10, out to dinner — when his son said, “dad isn’t this where we took mom for her birthday?” I get upset when he spends time with his ex and son together. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I am almost 100% positive there is nothing going on with my boyfriend and his ex (they’ve been apart for 8 yrs), but she has never been with another man since. This is not the 1st time that I haven’t been told about him his son and ex spending time together at dinners, maybe because of the way I reacted the first time. One thing I do know is that I don’t deserve to be lied to. Should I be worried about my boyfriend’s relationship with his son’s mom?

Psychologist’s Reply

If you’ve been together for 2 1/2 years and are talking about getting married, you have reason to be concerned — for several reasons. First, if you’re talking marriage, the two of you should be operating as a couple, team, and single unit by this point. He’s separating his relationship with his ex-wife from your couple relationship — and that doesn’t work well. As a couple, the two of you should be deciding how to deal with all situations as a team — his ex’s, your ex’s, family outings, old friends, etc.

Second, he probably doesn’t view his behavior as lying…just not telling or informing you. That doesn’t work. He’s likely to view it as “That’s not related to us” — but it is. He needs to be honest and upfront about his involvement in any situation that might be sensitive to you. Ideally, he should be able to approach you with “Here’s what I’ve been asked to do by my son…”. At that time, you can offer your opinion, reaction, etc. Letting you know what’s going on is common courtesy — not being controlling.

Lastly, it’s about representing the two of you as a team. In reality, you may be the stepmother very soon. You and the ex must have a working relationship — something that can’t happen if he doesn’t represent the two of you as a couple to her.

Many folks, working as a team, work this situation out in a healthy manner. There’s nothing wrong with your boyfriend, you, the boy and his mother/ex celebrating the ex’s birthday together. All the adults are doing this to make the son comfortable. Children of divorced/separated parents are healthy as long as the adults around them are healthy.

Should you be worried about his relationship with the ex…? Yes. Maybe not in a romantic manner, but worried in the sense that he has developed a strategy to deal with this issue without consulting you or developing a team approach. It’s best to work out these issues early in a relationship.

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