Loser Article Hits Home

Reader’s Question

I am a 28-year-old single mother who just read your forum on loser relationships, and boy did it hit home. When I was 18 years old I began an affair with a 22-year-old married man. We carried on a 2 year affair that I am sure his wife knew about and just accepted it like most of the women in his life. Finally at 20, I moved to another town and really began to heal, but every few years he would show up — using our daughter as an excuse — to sweet talk me, say he wanted to be with me, then sleep with me and disappear. I wouldn’t hear from him for another few years. Every time he did this I promised myself it would be the last time, and every time I failed and succumbed to his charm and deception.

I have been in an unhappy relationship for 3 1/2 years now, which was already failing, and the user/loser now has 5 children by 5 different women. He Has divorced his last wife and is now engaged to his youngest child’s mother. I am now 28 and he is 32. About a month ago he contacted me to let me know he had moved to the same town I moved to, and claimed to be single. I went and visited him and once again I was sweet talked and manipulated into believing he still loved me and wanted a future. Of course we engaged in intercourse. I was eaten up with guilt for cheating on my boyfriend, so I confessed to what I had done. Needless to say, he wanted no part of it and we ended our relationship right then.

Three days later, the loser (not the boyfriend) calls me and tells me he’s decided he had too much invested in his previous engagement and needed to go back, but said he still wanted contact with our daughter. (The same old pattern). I told him to leave us alone and said I wanted no part of it. One week later, he called and once again I failed to follow through. We ended up having intercourse again and I felt as though I was accepting my role as the other women once again. This time I even loaned him money. I haven’t heard from him in over a week. I sent one text message and it went ignored. Also his ex-wife just came to visit from out of state to see him (under the same pretenses, for their daughter), and I am certain he got her too.

This man is a drug addict and is a diagnosed bipolar. He is manipulative and I believe a sociopath, and at the moment I am utterly disgusted with myself for sleeping with him. I have never seen someone seem so in love one minute and so disinterested the next — and the sick part is that I always know its coming, but continue to let it happen. I am not stupid and know the answer is to cut off all contact — even though he is the father of my child. His interests are so very apparent. I feel this relationship has really affected me in so many ways, and I don’t see how a women of good mental health could let this happen. Is there something wrong with me?

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Now I am left feeling ashamed, used, embarrassed, and riddled with guilt for hurting someone who truly cared (not that I want to pursue that relationship any longer.) My self-esteem is 0 and I am consumed with anger and frequent feelings of not being good enough or attractive enough for him. Even though I know how bad he is, I still fantasize about him being a decent man and becoming the man he is when he is charming me and staying that way. What it would be like to be a real family with him and him actually being a good father to my daughter instead of being a dead beat dad who takes money from the woman who has raised his child for 9 years with no help from him? I also find myself trying to blame myself for not holding his attention.

I am so ready for this to end. I am miserable and want to reclaim my pride and self esteem. It’s been 10 years in the making, yet I fear the moment he calls I will turn into this enabler. Please write me back and tell me what you think. I’d like to get a professional’s view on this. All my loved ones are so disappionted in me I don’t even want to talk about it to them.

Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing from you. Sorry for writing so much, but like I said I’ve been dealing with this since I was 18 so you can imagine I am ready to boil over with emotion. Thank you for your time, I look so forward to hearing from you.

Psychologist’s Reply

This guy is the classic Loser I depict in my article on Identifying Losers. He’s antisocial and sociopathic. A charming con-artist. He can be a social chameleon and always say what you want and need to hear — although he doesn’t believe or feel any of it. He’ll never take responsibility for his sociopathic behavior and will blame you for his mistreatment and manipulations. There is nothing you can do to change this personality and he will never be anything more than what he is today. In reality, in the future he will be less than he is today as women will start child-support actions, his manipulations will become more criminal, and his addictions will eventually deteriorate his health. At that point, he’ll become more of a social parasite and look for someone to support him — and he’ll still cheat on her as well.

Like most Losers, he will make an effort to keep you on back burner, staying in contact just enough to stay aware of what you’re doing. He will try to ruin any other normal or healthy relationship you find as that would eliminate one of his “options” for sex, money, or support. Losers are 100% selfish and he’s not interested in you or the child…or the other children or their mothers.

I’d recommend counseling to repair your destroyed self-esteem. I’d also review the discussion groups on both Losers and Stockholm Syndrome on this website. There are male and female Losers and you’ve found one of the classics. I’d work on keeping him out of your life before he creates severe damage to you and your child.

Losers often have several manipulations and scams running at the same time. Right now, you’re off the front burner as he abuses and uses others. This would be a good time to slip off the stove.

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