Problems with Parent Figures

Reader’s Question

Hi there. I am in an interesting situation. I KNOW what my problem is, and I even think I know what I should do about it. I just don’t know how to do it! I was raised by a single, abusive parent, my mother, who married someone who did not want to get involved. I have a lot of bitterness toward both parents now (my mother and step-father). I do not know my biological father. I am now 41 years old and I still can’t seem to come to terms and cannot seem to have even the most minimal relationship with them. I even feel like I can’t have a normal relationship with my mother-in-law. I feel like I can’t have a civil relationship with any parental figure.

Now, my relationship with my sister is even strained (she is 3 years older) because she is starting to resemble my mother so much, both physically and in her actions. Any suggestions?

Psychologist’s Reply

Abusive relationships are very traumatic and almost always create Emotional Memory issues as well as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. In your family situation, you are concerned about having a “civil relationship” when that type of relationship never existed in the first place. In the presence of your family members, you experience “traumatic recollection”, the surfacing of Emotional Memories that return your feelings to that abused child again. Your sister’s behavior is now very similar to that of your mother, recalling more Emotional Memories of abuse.

Your mother-in-law may be a victim of “generalized” emotional memories. Once traumatized by a specific breed of dog, for example, our brain gradually reacts with apprehension to all dogs.

Rather than focus on making a civil relationship — I’d focus on having a “safe” relationship with adult figures in your life. To have safe relationships, recognize that your mother and stepfather are toxic to you…you’ll need to keep them at an emotional distance. Review my article on Emotional Memory and use the techniques to keep your memories under control. Keep all contacts under your control and short-and-sweet. Arrange to meet with her in neutral places.

If you want to repair your reactions with your sister and mother-in-law, you’ll need to make more positive memories with them. The Emotional Memory article addresses that as well.

I’d also develop parent-like relationships with others in your lifestyle. When we have abusive, toxic parents we can often find healthy, positive parent replacements in our life.

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