I’ve Very Nervous Around My Wife These Days

Reader’s Question

For some reason I am very nervous around my wife these days. I’ve been with her for 10 years. The start of our relationship was a long distance relationship that 7 years later ended up in her getting pregnant and us getting married. We’ve been married for 3 years now and we have another child together. The past three years have been very stressful with both of us not getting along very well. My wife has a horrible temper and during her pregnancies she was almost intolerable. Our sex life has been not that great the past year either with my wife not being in the “mood” more than a couple of times a months and me for some reason overly sex driven with the desire to have sex almost every day. I do have a high libido but this is crazy even for me. This has led to huge fights with her feeling pressure from me and me hugely frustrated. So here’s the problem. A few months ago, during a fight, my wife told me that she had slept with an old boyfriend during our dating years, once when we were broken up. Normally, this type of thing wouldn’t bother me and quite frankly in the past when in other relationships I really didn’t care one bit. But for some reason this time it did bother me. Over the months I never told her that it bothered me until one night when having sex I got so heady that I lost my desire to have sex with her. The next day I told her what was on my mind and she told me that she never had slept with her old boyfriend, that it was just something to say to hurt me, which I believe. Now the problem is that for some reason I am nervous around her. I can’t figure it out. I have a great deal of anxiety with her, and I get nervous when I’m with her sexually. I get heady and worry that I’m going to lose my desire to have sex with her while in the act. This is not normal for me who only a few months ago had the desire to have sex with her every night and would normally get shot down by my wife who was more often than not not in the “mood”. I do really love her. And oddly enough even though she told me that she had slept with an old boyfriend to hurt my feelings, it made me realize, as weird as it sounds, that I could lose her and that I want to be with her. Our relationship has actually been great the past few months. What can I do to stop being so heady during sex with my wife so that it’s an enjoyable experience? How can I be more relaxed around her?

Psychologist’s Reply

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First observation: your relationship is too stressful. Your difficulties are now increasing, especially in the sexual area. You may want to consider marital counseling to get the situation calmed down. Sexually, differences in drive are hindered by the “nighttime anxiety” you both feel each night — the “Should I mention sex?” vs “Will he mention sex?” At this point, you both dread to see the sun go down. When this happens I often recommend “whoopie nights” — one or two agreed-upon, scheduled nights when love making will occur. While this sounds cold and detached, it’s far better than the every night anxiety and resentment created by your current situation. Scheduling “whoopie nights” takes the anxiety out of the nighttime. On non-whoopie nights people can relax and go to bed without fear of mentioning sex or having it mentioned. You may be surprised how well it works.

Your relationship became preoccupied with sex — especially from your side. Her story about the ex-boyfriend, in a way, traumatized you. Like most people who hear a story like that, you had negative fantasies about it which then placed excessive anxiety on your sexual relationship — and then your sexual performance. In short — you are thinking too much! You’ve now combined the story, sexual anxiety, tension in the relationship, and sexual performance into one event — lovemaking. That’s like trying to maintain an erection with a gun at the side of your head! You need to calm down and we can do that by first being calm around her on a routine basis. You’re thinking so much that when with her, you’re thinking about other issues. That ruins a relationship. Think about what you’re doing…help with the child, help with chores, joke about things over meals, etc. Lower the normal anxiety first, then allow the sexual anxiety to reduce. The Whoopie Nights will help. Go to bed with her and cuddle — not fondle. Become comfortable with each other again. Sharing soft moments will allow the other aspects to work themselves out.

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