Daughter’s Boyfriend is Obsessed

Reader’s Question

My youngest daughter, 14 years old has a boyfriend (also 14) who I am worried about. This sweet boy asked my daughter to Homecoming in October. Instantly he was madly in love with her. We laughed about it in private because it was so unusual to see such a young boy so infatuated. My daughter went along with him in the beginning allowing him to have his arm around her 24/7 but it got old pretty quickly. She’s a fun loving, playful, innocent 14-year-old girl and can’t relate to his desire to talk about the depth of his love for her. She has started to pull back because it’s too much for her. Now he’s showing signs of depression along with the obsession.

I have talked with him (he’s very open about his intense passionate feelings for my daughter) and he explained that he’s been through some rough stuff (didn’t go into detail but my daughter told me his sister attempted suicide) and that he has a hard time relating to other kids because he sees the world differently now.

My daughter would like to go back to just being friends but she’s afraid that he won’t be able to handle it. Can you recommend anything I could read to help me understand this boy’s intensity and advise as to whether I should be concerned for my daughter?

Psychologist’s Reply

In times of trouble, people often look for something that rescues them or diverts their energy — something that is a place of calm in the storm, joy in the darkness, etc. This young man has found your daughter who is probably everything he isn’t right now — fun-loving, joyous, playful, innocent, etc. She has become his diversion as well as his hope for rescue. By remaining preoccupied with her, he can not think about the issues in his personal and family life.

As a parent, you are appropriately concerned. Something important to keep in mind is that he was already depressed before they met due to his personal/family circumstances. He’s not becoming depressed as she detaches. His intensity, difficulty relating to other students, and obsessions are the tip of the depression iceberg in this case.

Your daughter is wise to back away. She should cite her age and lack of experience for any relationship this intense — the “I’m not ready for this at 14”. She should reduce contacts in all areas such as email/text messages, calls, chats in school, etc. She should also develop a “press release” about their relationship — something like “We’re good friends but I’m not ready for dating yet. Girls just wanna have fun (corny I know).” The idea is…whatever she tells fellow students may find its way back to the emotionally-fragile young man. Already depressed, if he feels humiliated or ridiculed, he may become behaviorally unstable. If he realizes that she is taking a neutral position and that he can also detach with no hard feelings, the chances of a calm return to friendship is more likely. If he talks to you, which he may as a substitute parent if his home life is troubled, assure him that these emotional ups and downs are part of adolescence and adulthood. Offer to help arrange counseling or consultation through the school or even by talking with his parents if you feel comfortable. The general theme is to back away, detach, yet maintain mutual respect that allows the young man to save face following his over-the-top expressions of passion.

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