Fiancée Still Sleeping with Her Three Children

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Reader’s Question

My fiancée has been sleeping with her 3 daughters for 6 years now, I believe since her and her ex husband divorced; I believe it’s a big problem. Their ages are 8, 9, and 11 and she seems to get upset when I say something about it. She seems to think there’s nothing wrong with it. Am I the one that’s wrong? Just recently since she claims I am trying to control her and she is tired of hearing me talk about it she said she would work on it. What should I do?

Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not uncommon for children to sleep with their mother following a divorce due to the overwhelming sense of insecurity during that time. However, to continue the pattern for six years is inappropriate. At their current ages, children should be in their own beds. I suspect the children remain in her bed for her reasons as well as their reasons. Your fiancée has needed the children in her bed for the past six years as much as they’ve needed to be there.

I think you’re going to find this to be a major issue. While the two of you are engaged to be married, she is not yet ready to create a “marital bed” so to speak. Moving the kids from the bed represents a loss of her total control and a loss of the “old family” — something she may be hesitant to do. The children may also oppose losing their spot in the parent bed. Your possible addition to the family creates a completely new table of organization and they may be insecure about moving from mother’s side to another room in the house. They may sense they are being replaced. They may actually be more resistive to leaving the bedroom now than in the past — fearing you may arrive to take over and control the new family.

As you suspect, this will be difficult. Your fiancée may feel moving the children out of the bed is being disloyal or placing you above the children…and she and the children have together survived tough times for six years! Importantly, the children in the bed may reflect significant emotions and concerns with your fiancée and the children — but this situation is more about them than about you. For them, it’s about changing a situation that has helped all four of them sleep soundly for six years.

For the children to move out of the bedroom, they must be able to move to another spot (bedroom) where they feel equally secure, safe, and loved. For this to happen, you’ll need to provide them with a sense of security and trust. You’ll need to assure them that your relationship is with all four of them, not just their mother. If the children feel like baggage in the new marriage, this won’t work. They must feel they are also going on this marital trip/adventure and are part of the new family.

Provide your fiancée with time to work this out. If you take a position “It’s them or me” — you’ll lose. At the same time, if nothing happens after many months and there is no movement toward correcting the situation — this may be a sign that what you see is what you get. You may then need to decide if you want the marriage on those terms — a five-person marital bed.

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