What Am I? Let Me Give You A Brief Past History

Reader’s Question

What am I? Let me give you a brief past history.

  • Victim of incest and sex abuse as a child
  • Perpetrator of child abuse, convicted and jailed in my late teens.
  • Victim of bullying at school — left me suicidal at one point.
  • First husband dealt with abuse by asking me to recount my experiences of abuse and previous boyfriends in great detail.
  • He in fact filled in a detail I left out in a witness statement.
  • He was possessive and obsessive
  • Postnatal depression after birth of 2nd child — suicidal but controlled it and came out the other end without drugs.
  • He left me for another married woman. There were three kids under school age.
  • This led to one episode of self harm and feeling suicidal. Could logically realise death wouldn’t help the children so I survived.
  • Other affected partner worse than me. All affected parties lost their housing, their jobs and became financially crippled for years.
  • Lived with, and eventually married the other affected partner.
  • We’ve had trouble with debt and poor job climate, mergers and redundancy, etc.
  • My next partner reacted to sex abuse at the opposite extreme. He found the stories really exciting.
  • I am a fighter. I use knowledge to help me understand what’s happened in my life. E.g., self help, psychological processor.
  • I am a nurse and involved in Christian healing so I can see things from a physical, psychological and spiritual outlook.

In last two three years I’ve experienced visions, spiritually related and with a beginning middle and end and for a specific purpose — e.g., just before a healing conference. In this vision I became depressed, withdrawn, stopped opening mail, finding it difficult to concentrate, experiencing blind rage, oppressive fear, violence, down to self harm and feeling suicidal. Although I thought about self harming I could control it. Even though I thought of it all day. With help of others I prayed my way out of this. Within two days I was having prophetic dreams and experiencing complete joy and a sound mind. (The whole experience from beginning to end lasted about a month.)

Last two visions have been terrorist related. I am the victim — drugged, raped, tortured but the end result is a moderately long Bible study which is used in church.

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There was more relationship stress created by new job threat, drink related, previous sex abuse related. My life is in layers and they are all interlinked. The last layer has impacted on all the others even though I thought I had processed them and fought through them. My husband and I had a big argument that seemed to blow me apart.

I was in vision mode and I am shown different aspects of my life. The little girl (who is in charge), the suicidal teenager, the nurse, the Christian warrior and another woman who is slightly aggressive and wants to be left alone and two or three baddies created by terrorism (the whole thing is incorporated into the terrorist vision). After four days I feel back together again and my husband and I have resolved our differences.

Since then I have tried to wrestle with this and hope to get counselling — on a waiting list.

I now can look from a clearer perspective. I am not in the middle of it anymore but I have had trouble sleeping, eating, I call out in my sleep and wake up shaking though I don’t know why? After telling this to a counsellor I began to want to self harm. I wrestled with this for a few days and came over it. Then I felt suicidal for several days and came over that to. Now if I confront my past in any way I instantly get a thought in my head that I should kill myself. I desist of course. I’ve been doing this for years. I am a fighter but it is a little annoying.

It appears now that I can feel suicidal and happy at the same time. Part of me is over all this and happy and another part thinks of death all the time. I find it hard to motivate myself to do anything — pay bills, tidy the house, be sociable with friends and relatives or get excited about things. If I focus on one side I can be completely normal, e.g. work situations, etc. but focus on the other and I find it hard to function. Both are there.

Am I dissociated? I score less than thirty on a self test. Are the visions partially created by alters trying to get their story heard?

PS. Normally well known for my cheerfulness, sociability and relaxed manner. Part of me is — only those closest can pick up what’s going on, on the inside.

Psychologist’s Reply

You are experiencing symptoms that are associated with several different clinical conditions. The overall theme may be chronic depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD often creates “traumatic recollection” that may be interpreted as visions or flashbacks. Those flashbacks may include feeling states, impulses, and thoughts such as your brief suicidal thoughts and concerns about self-injury.

You might want to consider a psychological or psychiatric consultation. Your history and current symptoms deserve a more in-depth assessment than an Internet opinion. Based on the results of the assessment, you can determine your next step.

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