Father of My Children is a Narcissistic Personality

Reader’s Question

I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a man that I have started to realize is a “loser” and fits so many of the qualifications. I have also identified possible explanations for his behavior under Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Serial Bully, in my research to learn and improve my reactions to his tactics. It is so hard to find and pinpoint what the answers are and find accurate information; it is clear to me that is why your “loser” article is so popular, it explains so much that so many of us are dealing with.

The good news for me is that I never married my “loser” despite his constant pressure to do so. The bad news is, we got pregnant early on in our relationship (3 months into it). I had just determined we should break up and had begun detaching when we found out. This is why he pushed the marriage issue and pushed and forced an engagement. He was unemployed when we met, I ended up having him help me with my company but then he seemed to want to take over without any experience in my field. Early on I realized his history of divorce (all her fault, he claimed she cheated, had horrible things to say and I just assume this is all true, but now realize she was probably dealing with a lot and probably wanted out); he has a history of lawsuits with companies he has worked for and often can’t be the “Indian” he was hired to be, he has to be the “Chief” and it’s a problem for his bosses; IRS debt; a slight gambling problem that comes and goes (mostly when he is bored or lonely); and basically just a general “never happy” kind of situation that he never seems completely accountable for and only handles things when someone like me, makes him make it a priority. I asked him to find a different job since we were going to have a baby and the working together 24/7 wasn’t working for me, and he finally did after 6 months, and had the job a few months before the baby came, thankfully! He has always resented that I “fired him” and that I basically forced him to get this job. He likes the job and makes good money, but the job took him out of state, which he also blames me for. It made the relationship harder, and added more issues, but on the other hand, there was less fighting on a daily basis.

During the year we had the beautiful baby, we forced ourselves to try and make it work, but I struggled with trust, communication, criticism, guilt, pressure, etc. I have had zero interest sexually and actually feel repulsed with the thought, which I attribute to hormones, new baby, resentment, bitterness, etc., however in a moment of weakness and guilt I submitted to a sexual encounter with him, that he seemed to desperately need and want and guess what, now I’m 3 months pregnant again. Argh. I realized about a month ago that I was not going to endure what now seems to be clearly “abuse” anymore and I broke it off. Now I’m dealing with his wrath. I’m happy to have a beautiful child and another on the way, glad they are biological siblings and will have the same father, but very disappointed that I will be a single mom and their dad is so unstable. Such poor choices I made.

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I feel so much better now that I can explain his irrational behavior through my research and can identify what is going on: displacing blame, projection, he isn’t in touch with reality, he is HIGHLY defensive and confrontational, he calls and works to convince anyone he can (including my circle of family and friends) that he is the victim and I am the villain, and that he is a good guy and has only done nice things and sacrificed everything. He enters into “discussion” any time he can with anyone who will listen and jumps from issue to issue, blaming me, my reactions, things I have said, distorts the truth, takes things out of context, all in an effort to discredit me and gain sympathy and attention. It wears everyone out. He is actually seeing a counselor, which was my counselor before we met (I had only seen him a few times, and took a class that he offers) but I think he is just trying to convince the counselor that I am the villain; I suspect the counselor sees through his tactics, I hope. It drains me just to be involved with him. It’s so difficult for me to be a loving, caring, stay at home mom, running a company from home and a household and doing my best…to be accused of being so “bad” and “hurtful” and “psycho” and more, just because I can’t love a man who is so unstable, inconsistent, sweet/mean, has no accountability, causes issues over the smallest details, etc. I feel no love, no trust, no attraction, and just feel controlled and manipulated. He then projects all of this onto me and says I try to control, am critical, and finds a way to twist everything I say and do into something evil and then tells everyone about it. At the same time, he wants to profess his love, wants to try to be involved with the pregnancy, go to doctor visits, be in the delivery room, etc. but doesn’t realize how his hateful behavior makes me want to exclude him and protect myself from him.

The main advice I need is how to keep the peace as we co-parent. I’ve already learned that I can’t care how he is convincing people to think about me. My plan is to not react, and get sucked into his babbling and undirected arguments that go nowhere with no solutions in mind. I am going to try not to give him any more energy, and not provoke him, which I must do because I have tried so many things and we always end up in an argument. I need simple ways to handle him and his outbursts. I have stopped the phone conversations and try keeping it to text and e-mail, but he shows everyone anything he can use against me since it’s in writing. He’ll never understand that my resistance to communicate more is something that he has facilitated in being so difficult and impossible to get along with.

Wait, the bigger issue is that I also realize I have encountered this personality type 3 times in my life and I clearly either attract this type, or am attracted to this type. I cannot ever do this again. If I ever date again, I will need to take it much slower, I’ll see the signs, I think. But I need a focused plan to identify and avoid this situation and this type of man in the future. What could my personal issues be that would draw me into this situation? I don’t think I am insecure at all, maybe I’m a rescuer?

Psychologist’s Reply

If you’ve been picking the same type of personality disorder (PD), that’s going to be a problem. For some unknown reason, your “jerk alert” has been turned off, works randomly, or is too quiet to be heard. We all have a built-in jerk alert that sends us an uncomfortable feeling when we hear, observe, or experience something that doesn’t make sense or is a sign of impending trouble. Your one sentence has a lot of “signs” including never happy, IRS debt, lawsuits, wants to be Chief, gambling problems, etc. This guy has more “signs” than most four-lane highways.

If I put my theory hat on, we might consider the following:

  1. Are these personality disorder folks similar to behavior found in your father? It may sound weird, but if we have a personality disorder parent, we accidently develop a wide tolerance for “signs” and situations we shouldn’t be tolerating. This wide tolerance is why children of alcoholics often marry alcoholics.
  2. As a strong and confident business owner, are you picking these PD men with problems not only to rescue them…but because you can be given credit for helping them?
  3. Do you become so entangled in their life that it’s hard to see their personality disorder? If that may be the situation, I’d read my article on this website entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome.

As you are already doing, you need to relate to him on a strictly-the-children business basis. Talk only about the children you have in common. As a warning, this situation will change. Personality disorders are totally selfish. Right now, he is receiving attention by playing the victim in the relationship — a common PD strategy. As people get to know him, that won’t last long. He’ll then try to manipulate you using the children — and that won’t last long. Sadly, it’s most likely that he will not only fade out of the children’s lives — but that he’ll blame you for it. He’ll be telling his future victims how you turned the children against him, used your talents to convince the courts, that kind of thing. On the positive side, you will then be free to parent your children in a healthy manner without his influence or interference.

One last recommendation — get that Jerk Alert fixed. Narrow your tolerance for “trouble” situations. If you’re still having trouble telling the princes from the trolls, form a small committee of your stable, healthy friends and pass what you’ve observed to them. I would imagine their Jerk Alert was going off loudly while you dated this guy.

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