Elderly Father Involved in Scams and Won’t Trust Family

Reader’s Question

I have elderly parents who are in their 80’s. My father is being taken in by scammers and has given them lots of money. My brother discovered this recently. We believe it has been going on in some form of scams or risky investments for decades. Dad told my brother that he was not giving the scammers any more money, but cancelled checks have since been found to prove him to be lying. Any offer of assistance with his finances is rejected and he acts like he does not trust his own family members. We are all upstanding citizens and the offers were made with no judgement attached. At the same time, Dad is caring for our mother who has Alzheimer’s. His care for her is poor at best. She requires much more care than he can provide and he refuses to acknowledge this and get help for her. He insists he can afford to pay for professional care, but according to him, she doesn’t need it. He still leaves her alone at times, despite promising us he would stop doing this. She has the mind of a 2-year-old.

My father does not respect anyone’s opinions or concerns and believes he is right about absolutely everything. He has always been this way. What does it mean for a person to place so much trust in strangers and yet refuse to trust those closest to him? Is there any way we can convince him to trust us and accept help?

Psychologist’s Reply

I think you have answered your own question — “My father does not respect anyone’s opinions or concerns and believes he is right on absolutely everything”. It’s not that he doesn’t trust loving family members or the scammers — it’s that he believes he is always right. The scammers are conning him because they are using his egotism against him. They tell him he is shrewd, clever, and a business genius — probably something he’s always thought anyway! Sadly, he trusts his judgment too much and his judgment is deteriorating as you describe. His finances and his wife are suffering due to his poor judgment.

If this has been going on for years, he’s probably been identifed as an “easy mark”. During the great depression in the US, hobos would make a chalk mark on the curb of homes that would be “easy marks” for food — alerting other hobos. This system is still in operation on the Internet. He will be dealing with a variety of risky investments, offers, scams and cons. They will arrive in email and through snail mail. In his egotism, he still feels he’s a wheeler-dealer and can invest and make money with the best of them…but he’s dealing with the worst of them.

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In these situations, it’s often helpful to contact local law enforcement. They can often refer you to elderly-protection agencies who are painfully aware of this situation. Senior citizens are being victimized frequently due to their lack of sophistication and understanding in this high-tech, Internet world. My grandfather believed that anything on television must be the truth.

With his cooperation, you can also bring in a computer consultant and set up scam/spam filters. You can talk to the post office and arrange for mail screening in some areas. You can also turn the heat on these companies and scam groups through law enforcement or the attorney general’s office — they move pretty quickly.

It would be helpful if you could arrange a meeting, or intervention, with someone with impressive credentials — law enforcement, a bank/investment adviser…someone your father might respect. He may trust them as he feels they are as business-competent as he feels himself to be. You may need to legally explore options for your mother’s care. Sadly, your father is becoming more preoccupied with these investment adventures than caring for his partner. The scams make him feel confident, important, and powerful even when he loses money. All scams work on the idea that the victim feels they are the one getting something for nothing or getting a great deal. Family advice and concern depicts him as incompetent — that’s why he’s so hostile and resistive. You would have better luck steering him to a legal investment counselor — then following his investments with him while emphasizing improved care for your mother.

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