What’s the Best Way to Speak About Divorce to an Abuser?

Reader’s Question

I am and have been married to a verbally abusive husband for 25 years. (I am referring to the clinical definition of verbal abuse as described by Patricia Evans in her book Verbal Abuse.) Mainly, I feel our relationship is and has been toxic to me. I have a deep faith in God and this is what has kept me able to function and give love to him, my children and others all of this time. However, my wifely-type love for him has died. We have separated on 4 separate occasions, with the most recent being for 14 months. We reconciled and I truly thought that THIS TIME, things would be different. He was acting differently and had been connected and emotionally responsive for almost a year, so I felt good about things. The minute he came back home, things were back to “normal” although he knew he could not be quite as overt about his abuse. He has developed ways to hurt me emotionally and psychologically that NO ONE except me would be able to understand. My question is, what would be the best and most peaceful way to speak with him about going our separate ways? I do care about him, but I have given up on our marriage, as I have tried everything under the sun. So I have to care about myself now. We have 3 children; age 16, 18, and 20. Two of them live at home and one is away at college. They love him, but would understand any action I took.

Psychologist’s Reply

With four separations on the record, you know the problem is often not leaving…it’s staying gone. I’ve written two articles that might be helpful…Identifying Losers in Relationships and Love and Stockholm Syndrome. Both are available on this website. The Loser article outlines the techniques used by abusive, controlling, and “toxic” partners. The article also contains recommendations for creating an exit plan and how to detach with minimal problems. The Stockholm Syndrome article describes the connections we often have with an abusive partner and how we alter our lifestyle to survive the abuse.

To peacefully leave, you will first need an exit plan. That may involve many months of rebuilding your self-esteem, preparing for the end of the relationship, and reviewing your financial, legal, and social status. It’s helpful that there have been four “dress rehearsals” in the form of marital separations. With each separation, the toxicity of the relationship and your dissatisfaction has been brought to his attention. While he has not significantly changed his abusive behavior, the thoughts of a divorce or end of the marriage will not be a total shock to him.

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Use the recommendations for detachment in the Loser article. Don’t send mixed messages such as “I want a divorce but I still love you”. As you detach, he will bring your emotional departure to your attention at which time you can inform him that despite all attempts, separations, etc. nothing has improved the situation. You can then offer a hope for a peaceful end of the relationship in a manner that does the least damage to all involved. Emphasize that the emotional side of the marriage is gone and that decisions about how to handle the end are now business only. You may also want to include working with a counselor/therapist as part of your exit plan. A counselor is helpful in identifying attitudes and behaviors on your part that may have been used to survive the toxic relationship — yet are not needed at this time or might cause you difficulties in the future.

People who verbally abuse others not only justify their behavior (“She deserved it”), but they blame others for the outburst and have a sense of entitlement as well. For this reason, it’s not productive to discuss the multiple episodes of verbal abuse. You don’t need a list of episodes to justify your departure. At the same time, it’s not necessary that he fully understands why the relationship is toxic for you. Some abusers respond with “I don’t understand why we can’t work this out” when confronted with a separation or divorce. It’s actually a delaying tactic, allowing them more time to chip-and-batter away at your self-esteem while they come up with additional strategies and manipulations. Best wishes as you change your life.

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