Ex Calls 20 Times Per Day. Is He Dangerous?

Reader’s Question

My ex-husband was extremely verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. I spent four years with him, assuming that all of these actions were responses to life situations, while excusing the behavior for all kinds of reasons. In the midst of our relationship, I found myself depressed and having panic/anxiety attacks. I sought medicine, which was horrible…and discontinued its use once I found I was pregnant. He has worked for a police department for ten years, served overseas in Iraq — and returned home shortly before I gave birth to our son. Spending months waiting for him to come home, only to continue to treat me like crap was all the realization I needed…and after becoming a mother myself — I assumed full accountability for how our son turns out, and was fearful that my staying would only continue the cycle of behavior. He hated my being there anyway. We agreed to divorce. I filed. A few months later, he decided he didn’t want one. Throughout the process, he continued to further prove his inability to realize his behaviors and their consequences. He has called me, on average, up to ten to thirty times each day since. I have been going through this for a year and a half. I work full time, I’m a full time student, I have our son 5 days of the week. I can’t handle the calls anymore. I have tried everything including mediation, filing a PPO, asking him, having relatives contact him, calling his chief officer…nothing works. He doesn’t care. Sometimes it’s him yelling at me about dating someone…other times it’s him crying and telling me he wants to blow his head off. I really want him to get help, I don’t want to do anything to compromise his job, or his time with his son — but he cannot associate this behavior as having an adverse affect on our son. I however, do. It is compulsive, and really drives a wrench in everything I am trying to accomplish. I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve tried being supportive, just listening, finding him counselors/psychologists to speak to. Nothing works. What can I do to get him to stop? I’ve told him there is no chance of us being together again — I have developed my own distrust in response to his…and don’t feel that anyone should have to live the way I did with him. I can’t get him to move on.

Psychologist’s Reply

Talk to a Psychiatrist or Therapist Online
(Please read our important explanation below.)

The calls are designed to keep you emotionally exhausted as well as control you from a distance. Controllers and abusers always use this type of harassment in the hopes of exhausting their victim to the point that they surrender just to stop the calls. It’s not uncommon for abusers to call 20 to 40 times her day and if you don’t answer, create a dramatic situation to punish you for not answering. I worked with one victim who refused to answer a harassing call, only to have the police arrive at her house. The abuser explained “When you didn’t answer, I thought you were in trouble!” In truth, he was sending the message that she would be punished if she didn’t answer the calls.

Your situation presents some additional concerns however. The fact that legal and even employment support have been ineffective tells me that your situation has risk. The typical narcissistic abuser goes to great lengths to hide the harassment and abuse in an attempt to appear “normal” to the outside view. If “He doesn’t care” applies here, there is some danger.

The most dangerous individual from a mental health standpoint is a severe personality disorder and/or abuser who is also severely depressed. In this odd combination, the abuser doesn’t care about anyone or how their behavior injures others — and when they are depressed they cease caring about themselves. The depression also amplifies/intensifies their normal abusive and controlling behavior. Your task is then to defuse his anger directed at you in a manner that doesn’t increase your risk.

I’d recommend:

  1. Continue your position that it’s over. Changing your position or hinting that things are possible makes the harassment continue.
  2. Make all contacts brief. Each time you spend minutes talking with him, recommending things, trying to support him, etc. is evidence to him that you’re weakening. All calls must be short and sweet — you’re always busy and doing something.
  3. When he mentions anything related to crying, distress, etc. recommend seeing a professional. Don’t discuss it.
  4. Assure him that breakup/divorce is difficult for everyone but people survive.
  5. Don’t be angry — just emotionally neutral. Being angry allows them to justify their continued calls as in “She deserves it!”.
  6. Focus on school. I’d recommend not dating or engaging in behaviors that would intensify his anger.

The goal is to remain neutral while his depression improves or he moves on. If talking to you is like talking to his accountant, he’ll lose interest yet not be hostile. Continue to focus on the child, how his son is doing. Hopefully, as he feels better, he will move on to his next abuse victim.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Originally published by on and last reviewed or updated by on .

Ask the Psychologist provides direct access to qualified clinical psychologists ready to answer your questions. It is overseen by the same international advisory board of distinguished academic faculty and mental health professionals — with decades of clinical and research experience in the US, UK and Europe — that delivers CounsellingResource.com, providing peer-reviewed mental health information you can trust. Our material is not intended as a substitute for direct consultation with a qualified mental health professional. CounsellingResource.com is accredited by the Health on the Net Foundation.

Copyright © 2024.