Can We Help Our Co-Worker Involved in a Controlling Relationship?

Reader’s Question

A friend in our office has been living with his girlfriend for a year. She has to be with him all the time. He used to be a very popular guy going lots of places with his friends, both male and female. Now only a select few male friends are included in his life and always with her included also. Recently his father passed away and she exhibited the same control, never giving him a minute without her right beside him. She even introduced herself at the funeral home as his “wife in training”. He even had her listed in the paper as one of the survivors of the deceased father. However, the worst behavior was at the burial. As his mother was clutching the flag draped on her husband’s casket, the girlfriend said to her “you need to tell _____ that he needs to marry me!” The mother just stated that that was something the dad might have done but she would let him make up his own mind.

What do you make of her behavior? Should we discuss our concerns with him?

Psychologist’s Reply

Your friend is probably living with a controlling personality. As you describe, controlling personalities smother their partner with their presence and feel insecure any time their partner is out of sight — viewing co-workers, friends, and sometimes even family as a threat to the relationship. These personalities gradually force their partner to detach from both people and activities they consider a threat to the relationship. Highly manipulative, they often orchestrate situations to create stronger attachments such as buying things through a joint account, apartments in both names, co-signers on vehicle loans, etc. In this way, they make it very difficult for their partner to leave.

The controller uses their physical presence as an “inhibitor”, mentally recording every comment and behavior of their partner, which allows them to criticize their social encounters later. It’s like going to a New Year’s Eve party with a police officer in uniform — you control your behavior. I’ve described many of the behaviors of a controller in my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships.

While a certain degree of insecurity is common in the early stages of romantic relationships, controllers are so intense in their behavior that it becomes readily apparent to friends, relatives, and co-workers. They actually force a change in the behavior and even personality of their partners as the partner attempts to avoid “trouble” in the relationship. While the level of control in public is obvious, what we may not see is the extent of guilt, emotional pressure, and other manipulations present in the relationship.

You may discuss this with your co-worker…but you may not get far. A good controller has already warned him that people will try to break them up. From his standpoint, he is being told he is showered with attention and affection rather than being smothered by insecurity and control.

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