My Partner is Extremely Abusive — Can He Change?

Reader’s Question

My partner was extremely abusive toward me physically, verbally, and emotionally. I left about two weeks ago and your website has been very helpful in better understanding him. I still love him and it is tearing me up. It seems like when I was with him all I could do was think about how to escape, but each time I have left (this being the 4th) I miss him and hope that things could change. There were times when he was the most loving man I ever met. After reading your articles, I know he fits the “Loser” (abusive and psychotic) at every point. He also has been diagnosed with a Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.

Can he change? Is there help for him? He said he wants to get help now that I am gone. He said he will get help if I come back, but if I don’t come back he will succumb to his darker side and who knows what will happen. Those were pretty much his words.

Thanks for any help.

Psychologist’s Reply

No, he won’t change. No, he isn’t interested in treatment of any kind at this time. In fact, by threatening to turn to “the dark side”, he is actually intimidating and threatening you again — trying to manipulate you with guilt. If he meets all the points in my Identifying Losers in Relationships article, then not only will he not change, but he has no intention of changing. As we often find in severe personality disorders, he doesn’t want to get help…he just wants to get you back for more abuse. You’ll notice that he won’t get help if you don’t come back. That’s because getting help is another lie, and if that doesn’t work, then he’ll turn to the dark side and ruin his life — and it will be your fault. In truth, he is ruining his life in the same manner as he has ruined his relationship with you — because he is violent, abusive, and self-centered. Long after you’re gone he will continue to be violent, abusive and self-centered — only to another victim.

I would recommend reading my introduction to personality disorders (on this website)…you’re describing an Antisocial Personality, by the way. After reading the article on Identifying Losers in Relationships, I’d read the follow-up article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome. I would recommend that you stay gone and use my techniques for staying safe after the breakup. There’s a good chance you are already psychologically damaged by this relationship. I would recommend counseling to repair damage to your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Originally published by on and last reviewed or updated by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on .

Ask the Psychologist provides direct access to qualified clinical psychologists ready to answer your questions. It is overseen by the same international advisory board of distinguished academic faculty and mental health professionals — with decades of clinical and research experience in the US, UK and Europe — that delivers CounsellingResource.com, providing peer-reviewed mental health information you can trust. Our material is not intended as a substitute for direct consultation with a qualified mental health professional. CounsellingResource.com is accredited by the Health on the Net Foundation.

Copyright © 2024.