Marital Counselor Had an Affair with My Husband

Reader’s Question

My husband and I were seeing counselors at the same counseling center to try and restore our marriage. My husband’s counselor almost immediately gave him 24 hour a day access to her. He was able to call her cell phone, home phone and office phone. He stopped seeing her after a few months and she constantly contacted him to see how he was doing. They started counseling over the phone and by email. She got permission to invite him to church with her and her husband and family. I reviewed his phone records and saw that the calls to each other were daily at least 5 times a day. Suddenly, I was served with divorce papers. I am pretty certain they are now involved in an affair and even though we are divorced I feel extremely betrayed by this counselor. The counselor had her cell phone number transferred to my ex-husband’s account so that her records are on his bill. I have seen one email where she tells him, I love you, I love you, I love you. I am not certain as to why this upsets me so much. I was pretty sure they were having an affair while we were married, albeit it wasn’t physical it was certainly an emotional one. Should I pursue some kind of action against her? And how do I handle my feelings about this whole thing?

Psychologist’s Reply

As you describe, the behavior of the counselor was unethical and irresponsible. Almost immediately she developed “boundary violations” by intruding into your marriage and inviting him into her life. She also created a “dual relationship” with your husband that is also an ethical violation. You have the option in most countries, if she is a licensed professional, to file a complaint with her licensing board alleging unprofessional and unethical conduct. You may also have a civil claim for damages, although you’ll need to consult an attorney or legal professional in that area.

When you mention “I am not certain as to why this upsets me so much” — you have multiple reasons to be very upset. The divorce alone is the third most stressful life event we can experience, adding that your husband betrayed you and the professional who was to help with the situation betrayed you. You are likely to have very strong yet confused feelings. While a divorce is common, the situation created by the counselor isn’t very common. It’s actually pretty rare and in truth, says more about the psychological status of the counselor than you or your ex-husband.

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In these situations, it’s often helpful to seek the guidance of a “senior professional” in your area, perhaps a more experienced counselor and/or psychologist. While you have many legal and professional options, you’ll need to weigh the emotional cost of pursuing those options with the reality that the pursuit may prolong your misery associated with the event and the divorce. It’s important that you make decisions that are protective and positive for you.

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