Is There a Term for an “Emotional Scam Artist”?

Reader’s Question

Long story short, I suspect a woman I’ve been talking to is what I call an “emotional scam artist.” She doesn’t seem to be after money or anything tangible. She’s simply after my compassion and thoughtfulness. I’ve caught her in several lies so I know it’s some sort of scam. I’d love to do more research somewhere before I call her out on it, but what’s the clinical term for this so I can look it up? If you want or need the highlights of the story, I’ll be glad to reply.

Psychologist’s Reply

There are several types of individuals who might meet your definition as an “emotional scam artist”. Typically, they are “personality disorders” (see my introduction to personality disorders). They have a lifestyle that is self-oriented, self-justified, and full of entitlement, and they use social behaviors of conning, manipulation, deception, lies, and false stories/promises to achieve their goals. As you mention, for some personality disorders the goal of the behavior is attention and support.

However, for most personality disorders, the need for attention and support is actually only Phase One of a long-term plan for another type of agenda and manipulation. This beginning stage/phase is what we often call “grooming” — or preparing the individual/target for a future offense or manipulation. Personality Disorders are “social chameleons” and she has found you to be compassionate and thoughtful. She will be maximizing and testing your levels of those good traits before Phase Two begins. In Phase Two, she will become involved in your life or make you involved in her life. She will then switch her behaviors to give you a sense of obligation and guilt. Phase Three — the actual scam or goal — may be many months away. It may be money, a place to live, who knows…

If you’re already detecting lies/deceptions, I’d be very careful. You mention that you intend to call her out and confront her with her lies and behavior. That’s playing a dangerous game if she’s a personality disorder (they make up 9 percent of the adult population!). If she is a scam artist, she does this for a living…and you’re a novice. It’s like thinking you can box — then trying to take on the heavyweight champion for a few rounds. I can’t honestly recommend calling her out or confronting her about this. She’ll view that as another opportunity to intensify your grooming, actually using the event to make you feel guilty.

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If you’re picking up these signals, your best bet is to detach and distance yourself from her lies and what may come next. Most of us are accustomed to dealing with relatively normal and healthy individuals — not a personality disorder scam artist. She’ll eat you alive! Personality Disorders don’t have the same social or personal boundaries that most of us do. Your goal should be early detection of the characteristics of these high-risk individuals — and then avoid them, don’t engage them. Don’t play with the sharks. If you feel her lies are bad, that’s the tip of the iceberg.

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