Is My Boyfriend a Fictional Character or Just an Odd Character?

Reader’s Question

I met someone 7 months ago; he was nice and had a lot of common interests with me. We are in our 40’s, and he has never married. He began by being very down on himself, did not want anything serious at first, was afraid of past failing relationships, and said he had been dumped a lot. He didn’t look like the type that couldn’t get a girl. He would email, call or text frequently. He came over to my house, said his house was too messy, seemed detached from family members but kept in touch by phone, out of state. I was curious and liked him. He seemed lost and sad, and my nuturing side kicked in. He would get cold and back off. I didn’t chase him or over do it, he would just disappear for a week, then pop back into my life. When I asked him if he was interested in me, etc. after 3 months of going out, and why the hot and cold treatment, he backed off for 3 weeks and said he needed to think. I thought I’d never hear again from him but he would contact again.

He has a side job, hobby, dressing up like a fictional movie star character, and he gets to do parties once in a while. He is on cloud nine when he is in character, he has spent tons of money on it and he looks almost like the real thing. Months later, he is completely consumed with this character. We don’t go out much now, because he works six days a week. He was hired at a place every weekend night, quite a drive too. He seems to not be himself anymore. I have been to his house now, the place is a mess and decorated in this character motif. He is more distant. I don’t think he has anyone else, no friends except a few neighbors.

He has himself pretty much booked through the summer; he tells me he will free up in a few months. He keeps in touch and we have dinner once in awhile and he still wants relations but I am feeling like this is weird. He wants to show up in places with his costume on when it’s not even expected. He shows no emotions, except when he’s romantic or wants something.

He’s sensitive to criticism so I stopped bringing up anything, and I am not happy. I feel like I’ve been a fool for being there, it’s time for me to pull back and not accept his rushed and infrequent dates anymore, say that I am busy like him. Also, something interesting, he doesn’t put himself down anymore like he did, since he is admired so much in character by complete strangers; that seems to make him happy.

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Any comments would be appreciated. I am confused and wondering if this is something that will always be. I’m left feeling hurt and it would be nice to have some healing soon.

Psychologist’s Reply

This man is not a fictional movie star character — he’s an odd character! He has the characteristics of a personality disorder as you suspect. As we can see by his history, this is also a life-long issue and is not something created by your relationship with him.

Individuals who operate in this manner invite you into their life in a restricted and scheduled manner — they don’t actually join you in a relationship. Very egocentric, you are eventually placed in a role such as “the girlfriend” and placed on the schedule, just like his costume gigs. Due to his personality disorder features, he’s very comfortable keeping everyone around him — including his family, few friends, etc. — at a safe distance. By keeping everyone on a schedule and isolated from each other, it allows him to live a secret life where he can appear, disappear, ignore or contact those around him at his convenience. If we consider many of the behaviors that cause you concern, these are actually manipulations. Like a narcissistic personality, if you question his behavior he feels entitled to punish you by disappearing for weeks.

Whatever personality disorder features he has, his history tells us that he’s been incapable of forming a normal, healthly, and lasting relationship with anyone as an adult. You’re beginning to see why. He’s almost totally self-involved/selfish and doesn’t contribute any effort to form a relationship — only a random contact when he needs something or has time open on his schedule.

After seven months and you’re unhappy, you’ll also notice that it doesn’t bother him that you’re unhappy. He shows no emotions except when they’re needed to achieve some goal such as sex or companionship.

I’d move on…and quickly. As a personality disorder, he’ll continue to contact you even if you leave. Personality disorders always keep past partners on “back burner”. He has shallow emotions, so these contacts are like fishing for him — toss out a little bait to see if you can catch something. If not, toss it to the next person in his history. This guy has a romantic relationship with himself — not with a partner. I’d recommend reading my introduction to personality disorders and my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships. Both offer strategies to deal with this type of individual.

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