Boyfriend Trying to Convince Me I’ve Been Sexually Abused

Reader’s Question

I’m a 31-year-old female from California. I am so confused at the moment. I have a long distance boyfriend, and we talk every day on the phone. I just adore him, but I have to admit he has been very verbally abusive with me at times. About a year ago, he just out of the blue said that he could tell that I had been sexually abused in the past. I told him I never was, but he kept insisting. Many nights of this went on — I kept saying no, he kept insisting I was.

Well one night he kept me up till 4 am with this discussion, and I was at the point of tears. He said, “I know something happened to you, that is why you have the problems you do with anxiety.” I finally remembered this one incident when an unknown man exposed himself to me. I told my boyfriend about it, and from there he said “I am sure you are blocking out parts of that story.” I would like to to add that I totally trust my boyfriend — well at least I did. I told him, “I guess, I really don’t know anymore.”

Well he kept asking questions such as, “he didn’t do ___” or “touched you ___” (the blanks are to omit explict content). Basically he described a whole scenario to me. I would say no but he would insist and would not let me hang up, he would keep me up all night with this. I am too embarassed to go into any more detail, so let me ask my question or questions.

Why would my boyfriend do this? And more importantly why would I let him do this? I knew I was not abused: there is no evidence of it, and every time I would tell him he was wrong he would get angry with me. Today I told him I talked to a therapist about it and that she agrees with me that there is no evidence of abuse. I am more concerend with myself. How can I let someone manipulate me into questioning my own life? My boyfriend got very angry when I told him about seeing a therapist and said, “she is stupid, she is trying to make you believe in fairytales.” Today I finally stood my ground and told him that there was never any abuse and that he can’t convince me otherwise and that I am not going to go on living this lie just so he can feel like he is my protector. Well he cussed me out and said I should seek mental help — that I have severe mental problems and probably need to be put in a hospital. He says I ruined our relationship and any possibility of us getting married. I am so confused! Please someone tell me why this happend. Am I insane? Is my boyfriend right and I can’t face what happened to me?

Psychologist’s Reply

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If someone hits you in the face repeatedly with the Bible or another religious object, it’s an assault that only looks like it involves religion! Your boyfriend has a significant problem here — not you. Basically, he is verbally battering you with the idea that you have been abused. Keeping you up until 4:00 am, verbally questioning and attacking you repeatedly, is abusive.

Your boyfriend has some serious personality issues here. Not only is he verbally abusing you, but he’s now blaming you for the consequences of his abuse. This is pretty classic personality disorder strategy (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). In his attempt to control you, he has engaged in an aggressive strategy of belittling you, trying to destroy your self-worth, make you question your past/sanity, and exhibiting no concern for how his abusive discussions harm you. There is nothing warm, loving, and protective in his behavior. His behavior fits a pattern I’ve described in my article called ‘Identifying Losers in Relationships’.

Why is this happening? He may be trying to destroy your self-esteem, making you easier to control in the future. Controllers want to make sure that you always support their interpretation of a situation, allowing them to further abuse you, then blame you for the abuse. He may also be using this as a reason to end the relationship — then blame you for it. He may also be trying to break your will for some reason, probably for control. If you have made some independent decisions recently or questioned his behavior — this may be a form of punishment. It only “looks like” he’s concern about your anxiety when in truth, he may be the source of your anxiety.

This situation represents a significant increase in his verbal abuse. The topic is actually irrelevant. He’s an abusive individual, someone who will be unhealthy for you. You’ve had some protection due to the long-distance nature of the relationship. Sadly, for whatever reason, he is now aggressively abusing you. I’d recommend detaching from this relationship before he becomes the individual in your history who was physically abusive. Strategies for detachment can be found in my Loser article on this website. You are not insane and have an accurate picture of your own history. These discussions are on his agenda and not an attempt to improve your mental health. I’d continue to see your therapist and repair any damage he’s done to you during these episodes of verbal abuse.

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