26 Year Old Son Claims He Can’t Control His Impulsive Behavior

Reader’s Question

My son is 26, and he says he “can’t” control his impulses — e.g., spending money, drinking, aggressive attitude, not going to work, etc. He believes he needs drugs to learn how to control himself. Basically, I want to know is there possibly any truth in the claim that he “can’t”.

Psychologist’s Reply

This is a short question with a complex answer. There are probably three levels to consider when we think about the ability to control impulses.

First, the only people who literally “can’t” control themselves are psychotic or profoundly impaired. Due to extreme psychiatric or medical illness, these individuals have no control over their behavior. This level does not apply in your son’s case.

Second, we have individuals who have significant difficulty controlling their impulses due to a psychiatric illness. Individuals with Bipolar Disorder fall into this category. Due to neurochemical issues in their brain, they exhibit severe difficulties controlling their behavior. It’s worth noting that these individuals exhibit other signs of neurochemical problems, including symptoms involving energy level, speech, bizarre thoughts, physical hyperactivity, etc. If he relates normally with others yet has a history of bad behaviors — this is not likely.

Lastly, we have individuals who have difficulty controlling their impulses due to a Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). Personality Disorders (PD) have poor impulse control due to their attitudes, beliefs, and lack of feelings for others. People with a PD behave in a manner that is totally selfish, having no regard for normal responsibilities or the rights of others. They aggressively resist the cultural expectations for employment, financial responsibility, and normal behavior. They deny personal responsibility for their misbehavior and always blame others or situations for their mistakes. At his age and with the description you offer, this is very likely.

I’d recommend:

  • reading my article on Personality Disorders,
  • asking your son to participate in a psychiatric consultation to consider neurochemical issues,
  • taking steps to protect yourself financially from his behavior and his excuses,
  • reading questions on “personality disorders” linked from the list of tags in the sidebar of the page, and
  • preparing to protect yourself from your son’s irresponsible behavior.

If he has a personality disorder, for example, his behavior began in his teen years and will increase in severity over time. He will eventually have problems with the law/court, at which time he will demand that you rescue him.

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