How Do You Know When You’re Dating a Loser?

Reader’s Question

I am deeply disturbed and upset and need your responses to my question. I was dating a man for a period of five years, and we have been apart for the past 2 1/2 years now. He was dating someone when we separated and said that “he as returned to continue our relationship”. It might be easy for him but not for me. I have not dated anyone since we separated and do not intend to. I will shop around as if I am looking for a Maybach, Bentley or Jaguar. My questions: (1) How do you know when you are dating a loser? (2) Why does my ex call me while he is watching rated X movies? I know he is because I hear the sounds, but pretend that I don’t. This is making me very angry, to the point where I am not accepting his calls. I want the second half of my life to be the best life I have ever lived and no human being is going to stop me now.

Psychologist’s Reply

I’ve written an article on “Identifying Losers in Relationships” that is available on this website. We also provide a discussion group that deals with relationships with Losers, healing and recovering from those relationships, and dealing with the aftermath of such a toxic relationship. As you discovered, Losers keep ex-partners on “back burner” and are prone to contact them anytime they want something. When a Loser ex returns or contacts you, it’s not for your benefit. Typically they need something from you, are between relationships, etc. Also remember that they are not returning for a “New” relationship but for the same old relationship that contains abuse, use, disrespect, etc.

When you read the article on Identifying Losers, you’ll see someone you know. The discussion group would also be very helpful.

Why does he call you while watching X movies…for the same reason he’s recontacted you — totally for his benefit. Losers are totally selfish and the only concerns he has are for his pleasure. Those calls are more than disrespectful, they victimize you, much in the same way that being a victim of a “peeping tom” or obscene phone caller is abusive and victimizing.

Remain detached. He’s not contacting you to help you at all. Block his phone number and maintain a “no contact” policy. He will likely contact you again as a Loser has no concern for how his behavior upsets you. He doesn’t care about anything but his needs. Enjoy your new life.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Originally published by on and last reviewed or updated by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on .

Ask the Psychologist provides direct access to qualified clinical psychologists ready to answer your questions. It is overseen by the same international advisory board of distinguished academic faculty and mental health professionals — with decades of clinical and research experience in the US, UK and Europe — that delivers CounsellingResource.com, providing peer-reviewed mental health information you can trust. Our material is not intended as a substitute for direct consultation with a qualified mental health professional. CounsellingResource.com is accredited by the Health on the Net Foundation.

Copyright © 2022.