In College, 19, and No Romance So Far

Reader’s Question

I am 19 years old, and currently attend college. I have pretty much everything I could ask for in my life — a great family, great friends, and money to afford to go to school. However, there is one thing missing, and this one thing causes me to hate my life because it’s all I think about. I
have never had a boyfriend, let alone any intimate relations with any guy.

Now that I’m getting older, it is just becoming more and more of a problem, because I really don’t know what to do. I get extremely nervous, and I don’t even know how to start to fix this problem. It causes me to get made fun of on a daily basis, because I’m such a “baby”. Thank you so much.

Psychologist’s Reply

I think you’ve won the lottery but haven’t looked at your ticket. You’re not “getting older” at 19 years of age — you’re moving into your best time for romance. In studies, the most successful couples form relationships and marry in their twenties, not before the age of 19. Some observations:

  • When we think of what factors predict a successful future and romance, you have all of them — good family background, good friends, good financial support, and now a college education.
  • While your friends may have more romantic experience, that doesn’t mean “good” or “healthy” experience. You’ve avoided the emotional pain and sometimes damage that often accompanies early romance.
  • When dating we often encounter individuals with emotional “baggage”. Some people bring the entire airport! In your case, while you’re unhappy with your lack of experience, you’re only bringing a notepad to any romantic experience. This lack of baggage makes a successful relationship more likely.
  • As a college student, you are surrounded by opportunities for social and romantic interaction. When we are preoccupied with anxious thoughts of romance, we often miss the opportunities present in normal classroom and student interaction. If you are waiting to be asked for a date, it won’t happen unless you are paying attention to those around you and setting the stage by being friendly, interacting with them, chatting, getting to know them, etc. You may be receiving signals and hints from potential romantic partners at the university — but you miss them due to thinking and worrying too much. Move your thoughts from inside your head (worry, apprehension, etc.) to outside your head with curiosity, interest, socializing, and small talk. Opportunities for starting relationships are everywhere in a university, including locations you wouldn’t expect. You’re in an adventure, not a scheduled event.
  • Focus on Dating 101: the basic skills needed when dating and establishing a romantic relationship. These skills include:
    • talking with the opposite sex,
    • learning to share information about yourself,
    • eating in public with the opposite sex,
    • going out with a mixed group,
    • being able to talk confidently about yourself,
    • being able to recognize “Losers” (as in my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships), and
    • recognizing what information is appropriate and inappropriate to provide.

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    While in college, you can take elective classes that build dating skills such as dancing or public speaking.

  • When using terms like “hate my life” and “extremely nervous,” it sounds like something more than a lack of romantic experience is the problem. You may be normally shy or introverted, making it more difficult for you to feel comfortable in social situations. You may also be experiencing a level of anxiety or stress. For this reason, I would recommend seeking a counselor at your university to discuss these issues.

This is an opportunity for you to develop a mature romantic relationship, but to be successful you’ll need to relax. People who try hard to fall asleep only doze off when they give up trying. If you focus on making relationships rather than boyfriends, a percentage of those male relationships will eventually become opportunities for a boyfriend.

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