Attracted to Older Men in Positions of Authority

Reader’s Question

I’m a 19-year-old girl, and I often find myself attracted to people who are in positions of authority — like teachers or bosses, often older men around the age of 30. Is there something wrong with me? What is the psychology behind this?

Psychologist’s Reply

The psychology behind “attraction” has produced thousands of articles and books over the years. Attraction theories can be found in almost every scholarly discipline ranging from anthropology to zoology. In your situation, your attraction pattern (mature men, about 30, in positions of authority) is not abnormal or unusual. We can consider several aspects of attraction however:

  • Theme #1: We are attracted to people by the way they make us feel. The men you are attracted to make you feel differently than your same-age peers. You may receive more respect or admiration, they may be more concerned about you than themselves, etc.
  • Theme #2: We are attracted to individuals who have attributes and characteristics we find valuable or admire. Personality and personal traits such as higher intelligence, a sense of humor, self-confidence, being physically fit, etc. are considered attractive. Social aspects can also be admired such as having a career, being in a position of authority, having a degree of fame, etc.
  • Theme #3: We are attracted to individuals at our level of maturity and/or self-esteem. It’s not uncommon to chose our romantic partners and friends related to our level of self-esteem. Individuals with high self-esteem and self-confidence tend to have friends with those characteristics. At the same time, criminals tend to have other criminals as their “friends” or associates. If you are more mature than your 19 year-old peers, it would be natural to be attracted to someone at your level of maturity — individuals with the same attitudes, goals, and confidence as you.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You have discovered what is attractive to you — maturity, self-confidence, authority, independence, and social self-esteem. You are probably not attracted to 19 year-old men who can open a beer bottle with their teeth or who only talk about themselves on a date. From the standpoint of your future, you have selected those attributes that are linked with future career and marital success. Being able to open a beer bottle with your teeth has not been linked to a successful career or marriage in the future. It has been linked to more frequent dental repair, however.

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