Are People the Problem?

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Reader’s Question

I’m a 28-year-old guy who still lives at home, has never had a steady job, with no car and no friends. Why? Because I can’t stand to be around people. I can barely go outside because all I can think about is that people are watching and judging me. I can’t have a conversation with people because I constantly think ahead of time what I’m going to say and can’t concentrate on what they’re telling me. If I’m in public at all I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing at the time and can only think about the people looking at me and what they think about me. I should add that it’s not just being in public that is a problem, it’s also talking to people on the phone, or even just finding the right words to type right now. Thinking about things is easy, and my mind is extremely active, but I have a hard time articulating the simplest of thoughts and emotions. The only time I can actually function is by myself, and that does me no good for being able to have any kind of social life.

Even in grade school when I was around people a lot, I never got along with anyone and hardly talked. I would always think later on about the social situation I was in and what I should have said.

Because of my situation I’ve also become very lazy — showering, brushing teeth, etc. only once a week, if that.

I also notice that I have an OCD problem with cleanliness and arrangement. Music is the only thing that I really have to have to make me feel better. I don’t listen to words — it’s only melody and beats — and I always pretend that I’m the one playing. I am also fascinated with dark subjects or mysterious ones, such as the universe, weather, just how things work in general, philosophical ideas, dark colors, dark fantasy etc.

All I want is to be able to have a life and function in society, but I need to find a way to help myself by finding out what my problem is so I can attempt to solve it. I’m sure I’ve left out a few things that I will think about later, but I hope I’ve given enough information.

Psychologist’s Reply

Sometimes, when individuals overly avoid social interaction, it’s not the people they are unnerved by, but rather the tension and anxiety they experience in social situations. Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is a real condition that affects thousands of people and which has become more recognized in recent years. When anxiety symptoms are intense and more physiological in nature (e.g., palpitations, trembling, blushing, panic attacks, etc.) it’s more apparent to the person with the disorder and to others that something is wrong. But sometimes the symptoms are more subtle. As an anxiety-based disorder, individuals with SAD can also experience other anxiety-related ailments such as OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder).

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Some people are naturally more introverted and are not at all bothered by their tendency to avoid a lot of social interaction. But when someone is troubled by not having the kind of social life they’d like to have, and there are other red-flags present as well, it’s a good idea to seek the advice of a mental health professional. These days, there are very effective treatments for SAD, including various medications as well as cognitive-behavioral treatments. There can be a variety of individual characteristics that contribute not only to SAD but to other forms of intolerance of social interaction. All of these can be carefully evaluated by a qualified mental health professional.

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