Does My Boyfriend Care too Much About His Ex-Girlfriend’s Son?

Each person brings into a new relationship their own history.

Reader’s Question

I’ve been living with my boyfriend (whom I’ll call “Dave”) for 2 years. He has been mentoring a young man (30 something) as a painter in the company he owns. It just so happens that this young man is the child of Dave’s ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. Dave and the boy’s mother dated a short time and Dave had only brief contact with the boy and had little contact with him except for the boy keeping in touch periodically, especially when he went to a rehab center for significant drug use. They established stronger ties when the boy started painting and moved to the town where his mother, Dave and I live. The boy has gotten engaged and has been living with his fiancée for a couple of years. They have invited Dave to the wedding. Dave has said that he really wants to go but has also said that he really can’t afford the time off work and also that he and his ex-girlfriend had unresolved issues and that his attendance might cause her and her family to think he was trying to re-establish ties with her.

It just so happens that Dave and I have been planning a trip with my best friend and her husband. The dates we originally wanted to go are not possible and the dates that will work are also at a time that a wedding shower is being held for this boy and his fiancée. Dave wants to go but I don’t see the point. Dave is supposedly estranged from the extended family of this boy. Couldn’t he show discretion and take the boy to dinner or something like that and not appear at the shower with all the drama that might play out between him, his former girlfriend, and her family?

I would just like to know someone else’s take on this. I know I have conflicted emotions about it.

Psychologist’s Reply

From what you’ve said, it appears that you’re not really sure about how Dave feels about his ex, her family, and this ‘boy’ and that you are mostly in doubt about whether he is of a frame of mind to give your relationship first consideration.

Each person brings into a new relationship their own history. It’s a rare occurrence when that history does not impact your current relationship in some way.

It would seem that the most important thing for you is to get a more solid idea of what the nature of you boyfriend’s relationship with his ex and her family really was as well as what kind of relationship he wants presently. So:

  • Talk to your boyfriend seriously about the relationship he had and what he now wants.
  • Glean from others familiar with the relationship whether you have all the facts.
  • Judge for yourself the solidity of your relationship with your partner and the nature of his commitment to you. If there’s more you want or need from the relationship that he doesn’t appear ready to give, confront the issue directly. Make your needs and wants clear, but be sure they are reasonable. If your boyfriend’s commitment to you takes precedence, you’ll know it from his response. Many times, the ambivalence we feel about how our significant others regard past relationships has much more to do with how insecure we are feeling in the current relationship. When we sense trust and commitment, our anxieties lessen considerably about what decisions our partners might make.

If you take these steps and things don’t go well, consider counseling. You and your boyfriend have already been through failed relationships. It would be in your best interests to work through issues and be more confident that your relationship is on a more solid foundation.

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