My Husband Only Shows Affection During Sex

Reader’s Question

I have been married for 10 years, and my husband and I have three children. I come from an unhappy family, although my family members do tend to be very emotionally expressive and outspoken. My husband comes from a family where they do not express or talk about emotions. My husband is also not very emotionally expressive. I realized this at a fairly early stage in our marriage. It didn’t bother me much at first, but now I’ve become quite unhappy.

I don’t get any real emotional support from my husband, and this makes me feel stressed all the time. He doesn’t even touch me or kiss me or hug me gently during the day. He’s only affectionate when we are having sex. He doesn’t show his love and is not romantic. I know he cares for me but he’s usually distant from me. He is a gem of a person. He’s not controlling and gives me my space and freedom. He is good to the children. I’ve actually told him things like: “I need a hug from you If you see me upset or if I cry.” He’ll do it for awhile and then forgets. He did not even wish me a happy birthday on my last birthday, saying that I was “upset” and “not in the mood.” I actually was upset but because he wasn’t being affectionate with me. I told him this later and he felt bad.

I don’t want to end my marriage, but there is no excitement or romance left. I told my husband that we live like roommates. How should I get out of this frustration?

Psychologist’s Reply

While it’s not possible to make a completely accurate assessment of your situation or to give you direct advice, there are some things that stand out in your concerns that are worthy of comment.

It’s not uncommon, especially for women, to express concerns that their husbands are not being as emotionally available, expressive, or affectionate as they would like them to be. But take heart. There are some things you can do.

You indicate that this is a good man who really does care for you and your children. You also indicate that he does respond (either with regret or with temporary change) when you express your needs to him. What seems to be bothering you most is that he doesn’t take the initiative to more often display affection and emotional sensitivity. You want him to be more attentive and responsive and you want it to be HIS idea to be emotionally engaged. But he comes from a family where that kind of emotionality was not present and you realized early on that it’s not his nature to be as affectionate as you’d like.

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What to do? You could wallow in resentment that he only responds to you when you tell him what you need. That way, you could become increasingly unhappy with the person he is and spend your days in growing discontent and unhappiness. Or, you could rejoice in the notion that this man cares enough about you to respond to what you tell him you need, even if it’s only temporary. You could even pick up the pace a bit, telling him when you need a little romance, scheduling a date, expressing interest in sex only when he’s shown some attentiveness and affection beforehand, etc. In time, perhaps he will get the picture. But because he’s not used to it, and because it’s not instilled in him already, it will take time to help him learn.

In the meantime, you’ve learned a valuable lesson about the behavioral “formulas” for depression and joy. Keep yearning for something you haven’t the power to make happen (wishing your husband was raised differently and was affectionate by nature), and you’ll get depressed. The formula for joy is just the opposite: Invest your energy in what you have power over — your own behavior. You have the power to take care of yourself by telling your husband what you need. Once you’re at peace with the idea of making joy instead of misery, you can bask in the happiness of knowing that you are married to a man who despite his upbringing is willing to make the effort when you tell him what you need.

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