The Father of My Children is Making Me Go Insane

Reader’s Question

I’m in counseling right now, but there’s a whole week between sessions. I think I need to talk with someone more frequently. In the meantime, I’ve started journals and I’m taking antidepressants. But things aren’t happening fast enough. I have a lot of stress. I’m pregnant, have a child, and my unfaithful boyfriend who is the father of these children is making me go insane. My dad has entered counseling with me, but I don’t feel he really supports me or treats me like a daughter.

By boyfriend is really driving me crazy. He went to jail for hitting me a couple times, got out, said he’d do anything to make it work, like stop drinking, etc. but he hasn’t changed. I tell him don’t drink but he says he doesn’t like our relationship and starts drinking again. I took away his phone, so now I can’t call him. I went to his house and the doors were locked like he had someone inside.

Sometimes I feel the urge to do drugs. The only time I’m really happy is when I take painkillers. I know I shouldn’t take my boyfriend back because he cheats on me all the time and behaves badly. I don’t really know if I love him. Yet, I can’t stop thinking about him. I find myself thinking that the antidepressants and counseling aren’t working and that the only thing that would work is to have him, even if we’re miserable. I know I need to be strong so my kids are okay, but I can’t seem to get over my need for this guy and it’s making me insane. I have to work to be sure my son is taken care of and I need to be in a better frame of mind in order to carry on.

Psychologist’s Reply

Really stressful situations like yours are rarely the result of a single incident easily resolved in a short period of time. Rather, problems coping generally mount over time, sometimes reaching a peak but nonetheless reflecting a substantial history of difficulties. So, your problems simply won’t be resolved overnight. You might explore whether your counselor would be willing to work more intensively with you at first, but from all the information you have given it would seem you might actually run the risk of reinforcing a pattern of emotional dependency that may be exacerbating many of your problems.

It’s difficult to give direct and accurate advice, especially when all the facts cannot be fully known, but it would seem that you truly have to reckon with the fact that you cannot do it all and can’t bear the responsibility for everyone else’s behavior. Working to make ends meet and caring for your children is a significant burden in itself. So for now it seems pretty imperative that you stop the emotional self-torture you’re putting yourself through with your “boyfriend.” Although he appears to be behaving very much like a bad “boy” as opposed to a man, he does not appear to be acting anything like a “friend,” let alone a lover or life partner. Your complaint is that you need more support so that you can hang on to all the stressors in your life. What you appear to really need is to let go of the things toxic to your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.

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Cut your ties with the person who hits you and then makes excuses. From what you say, he does not seem the type that would try to hold onto you and control you if you declare your independence. Recognize that the father you say doesn’t support you “at all” has at least taken the bold move to enter counseling with you. Use the counseling to work through your own issues. Drop the expectation for immediate results. Nothing in this world of any value comes quickly or easily. Once you’ve reckoned with the aspects of your own personality that helped bring about this crisis, you’ll be better able to make the changes you need to make and to care for yourself and your children.

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